why do i do this to myself

Paper anxiety + extreme procrastination = I have to write a minimum of 47 pages for 3 classes (+ regular stats homework and a stats final project) in one week.

I have never written this much before.

I am scared.

I am trash.

Until next time,

~ Mimi

P.S. Have a picture of Manny’s dog because she’s cute.

i wish i could be a dog right now

The Neglected

I’ll write a more traditional journal post about my current life happenings later because I’m swamped with work at the moment. When I’m writing papers all the time for my classes, the last thing I want to do is type moar things, even things irrelevant to academics.

First, a filler post!

I found an archive of many of the small things I’d written in the past, including my finished short stories and lots of bad poetry written for high school English classes.

And then there are the Neglected, the drafts I had started and then left to collect spiderwebs in the deep archives of my flash drive. I suck at finishing anything. I don’t know if I’ll ever finish them, so I might as well publish them here, along with the writing prompt that went along with them if they had one. Even if these weren’t dated, the writing styles make it pretty clear to me which ones are old old old and which ones I wrote closer to the start of my college years.


1. No prompt listed

“Kent.” Madeline dares not speak above a whisper. “Kent, we shouldn’t be in here.”

Kent shows no sign that he heard his sister’s warning. He takes a giant leap off the last five stone steps, landing noisily on the ground. Madeline’s slippers muffle her footsteps down.

“We’ll get in trouble if the guards catch us,” she tries again.

A pause. Then: “Don’t get us caught.”

His easy reply floats to her from somewhere ahead. Madeline sees the top of his head peeking out behind a bush, and she hurriedly pursues him.

“Should be around here,” she hears him mutter. She catches up to him in time to see him impatiently brush aside some of the palace’s sunflowers blocking his way — and rip the head off one of them.

Madeline’s hand flies to her mouth in horror. “Kent!”

Kent stares at the fallen flower for a second, and then not only treads on it but grinds his heel into the soil, inducing a dismayed gasp from the young princess.

“Just help me look for that vial.”

-later-

“Kent, what are you doing? We have the water, so can we go now? Please?” Her fingers wrap around his wrist and pull him in the direction of the exit. Almost absentmindedly, he pries her off so he can slide the fingers of both hands over the vial. He stares at the transparent liquid with glazed eyes.

“The last of the water from the Fountain of Vitality before it was destroyed in the war,” he murmured, more to himself than to his sister. “And it’s still here, more than sixteen years later.” He runs his index finger down the side of the cool glass vial. “Just enough left to heal the sick…”

Madeline tries to get him to move. “I know that. That’s why we’re here — to help Mama get better. And that’s why we really need to get back to the palace before she gets worse.”

“Enough left to heal the sick,” Kent only repeats. As she watches him, his faraway eyes suddenly regain focus. He looks at the corked vial in his hands in a different way now. He pulls on the cork. Madeline hears the small pop it makes when he tugs it free.

“There’s just enough left to heal someone who’s ill. Or make the healthy invincible,” he says. The resolve is evident in his hazel eyes. And now, Madeline sees his intention as well.

“Kent, please, it’s Mama’s last chance. Without this, she’s sure to…” The words die on her lips, because she knows they are trying to reach ears that can’t hear, a mind already made up.

His lips slowly part as he raises his right hand. Madeline can only watch, wide-eyed, as he tilts the remaining contents of the vial into his mouth. Continue reading

Body Destruction: Results

This was meant to be posted several weeks ago. Whoops. This is the most hellish month of the academic year, with papers and exams and performances and events jam packed into thirty days, so I guess I just got caught in that whirlwind of stuff.

Anyway.

I was pissed beyond words. THE MISERABLE EXPERIMENT DID NOTHING.

Okay, it didn’t quite do nothing. And considering how incredibly brief the experiment was, I should be grateful. To be exact, it did practically nothing in terms of numbers. My weight went down by half a pound, but my weight often fluctuates and that half pound could be water. Most likely my weight is the same. It’s also my period week and who knows how my body wants to behave when it’s gushing out unpleasant fluids for five days.

I did take pictures of my tummy to track any visible changes. I’m not posting them here because it’s my tummy and I don’t want that floating around the interwebs, but I do see a difference! :O In the lower belly area, the fat has definitely started shrinking away from my hipbones. My hipbones are slightly more prominent too in the side photo, although there’s still substantial fat covering it because 25% of me is fat. ):

According to my measurements, I only shrank by maybe 1/3 of an inch around my waist. I know for sure that it’s reducecd because my belly fat has always been pretty squishy, resulting in some of my leggings often cutting into my sides, leaving unattractive bulges. But now that doesn’t happen to the same degree! It’s mostly my side and back fat that’s firmed; the frontal belly button area fat is still soft.

For only five days, any kind of noticeable or measurable result is pretty impressive. I’m convinced that not following the meal plan really was detrimental to my progress, so if I were to try this again, which I certainly will not, I’d try to stick to the suggested meals instead of doing my own thing.

Now that I’m back at school during the busiest month of the school year, I’m eating ALL THE SUGAR. I expect to puff up like a balloon by the end of the month.

In conclusion, this is what I learned:

  • I can deal with extreme exercise even if my body protests with blood.
  • Clean eating is disgusting, and I simultaneously envy and pity those who enjoy it.
  • The idea of eating clean with a weekly cheat meal pisses me off irrationally.
  • I need an intervention for my sugar problem.
  • Let’s never do sketchy exercise experiments ever again.

During the school year I give few fucks over what I eat and how little I exercise — I’d rather that energy go towards not failing. I can be vigilant during the summer. :D

Until next time,

~ Mimi

P.S. My new journal layout makes me so happy. My vibrant choice of background does wonders on my mood. I don’t know why I ever liked my old dark layout to begin with.

Body Destruction: Day 5

Exercise: Since I felt like the past four days did nothing, the motivation to continue was totally not present. But I overcame it and finished the final workout after much grumbling! Somehow, despite doing purely cardio for the past week, I can now do 20 consecutive pushups without overexerting myself. :o My form begins to fail me after 15 pushups but still!

Food: Mama is such a good cook and I couldn’t eat much of any of her cooking all week, wahhhhh. Today was especially a struggle to eat around 1200 calories because of all the yummy things she cooked today. All the various sweets are still here too.

Tomorrow I get to eat somewhat normally again (and Mama is cooking one of my favorite dishes before I head back to college), though I should be careful to bump up my calorie intake to no more than 1600. I don’t wanna freak my body out too much.

Body: Looking at the “before” picture I took, it looks like I got bigger now!!! D: To be fair, that picture was taken in the morning and my tummy always expands as I move throughout my day, so maybe I shouldn’t judge myself until I have numerical evidence. I won’t be able to take new measurements until return to my dorm room, where my tape measure is. My clothes fit the same.

General thoughts: NEVER. AGAIN. I’m not that desperate to put subject my body to that kind of torture more than once just to reduce my body fat percentage. I’ve already gone down more than 40 pounds over the course of 4 years, so slow and steady is more of my thing than radical life adjustments.

Clean eating and I will just never work out. *hugs cookies*

I’ll post my results of this experiment on Sunday. Fingers crossed for minimal disappointment!

Until next time,

~ Mimi

Body Destruction: Day 4

Exercise: YESSSS I NEVER HAVE TO DO THESE TWO HORRIFIC WORKOUTS CONSECUTIVELY EVER AGAIN. They were horrible and intense and never-ending — and it’s all over at last. I don’t even wanna talk about the workouts anymore so let’s move on!

Food: Dammit, why does Mama choose this week to bring home all these cookies from work? She came home with two more flavors today. ): And I ate them. ): To compensate, I had to switch out my usual dinner meal with a bowl of canned, chemical-laden soup because it would keep me within the calorie limit.

Body: Somehow I injured my Achilles tendon again. This inevitably happens every time I start a regular workout routine and it’s always the right foot. The area where the tendon is feels warm and swollen, and it hurts to flex my foot at all. All the jumping during tomorrow’s workout will not be pleasant.

I’ve started spotting! Just a little bit of blood, nothing like a real period. This hasn’t happened in the longest time. Plus, I’m on a birth control pill that’s been really good to me for the past year so it shouldn’t be happening. A quick Google search has me believing that the excessiveness/intensity of my exercising combined with the sudden change in my diet is putting a lot of stress on my body, which in turn can freak out my hormones. Thus, the bleeding.

I could also be pregnant. We’ll find out by Monday when my period is scheduled to come.

On the bright side, my back no longer hurts!

General thoughts: Based on what I see (or what I don’t see) in the mirror, I’m seriously doubting this experiment is doing anything to my body. It usually takes me up to three weeks to notice physical changes; expecting results in five days is nuts. I’m suspecting it’s due to not following the provided meal plan at all. Well, lesson learned.

Until next time,

~ Mimi

Body Destruction: Day 3

Exercise: The sweat, the sweeeeeeeat. I had to exercise in a puddle of my own sweat because it kept dripping off my face before I could blot it off. Stamina is improving, I think! But I still take far too many breaks out of habit, likely resulting in a less intense calorie burn. Oh well, better than lounging around doing nothing! (Which is what I do whenever I’m not working out…)

Food: Mama brought home more cookies. No. Stahp. I feel like I definitely hit the 1300 calorie mark from overindulging in sweets. ): If I’m not careful after this experiment is over, I will end up inhaling every sweet thing in sight and ruin any progress I will have made.

Body: Lower back/arch area continues to be sore. I feel some butt muscle soreness today too, particularly in my right buttcheek. There’s a lot of squatting going on in these workouts so maybe that’s why the buttache?

General thoughts: I don’t feel like these workouts are doing anything. I cheated and hopped on the scale and it seems like I’m somehow down 2 pounds. If you consider that I’ve been drinking more than double my usual amount of water and my body weight likes to fluctuate, I shouldn’t be getting my hopes up.

Until next time,

~ Mimi

Body Destruction: Day 2

Exercise: Lord have mercy, I can’t deal with a HIIT workout right after 45 minutes of cardio. I’ll take yesterday’s single hour of straight cardio any day. Luckily this particular HIIT isn’t as intense as the others. My stamina continues to suck, judging by how many pauses I need to take to prevent my heart from exploding.

Food: Fml out of curiousity I ate a little gluten-free brownie that Mama brought home. Gluten-free brownies taste like delicious, delicious fudge. Over a hundred wasted calories of deliciousness that I can’t spare, being on such a calorie-restrictive diet.

Oranges fill me up forever, but somehow apples leave me in a state of gnawing hunger. I need to store these gummy bears out of my sight.

Overall, I estimate that I’m taking in a little more calories than I’m supposed to (1200-1300 instead of 1100-1200), but hopefully that extra hundred won’t be detrimental to my results.

Body: I can no longer feel my back. The back soreness makes me reaaaaaally dread working out tomorrow. I think my boobs may have shrunk. My shoulders are way broader than my hips. Sadness.

General thoughts: Even if I end up losing, say, an inch from my waist, I will never do this experiment again. As the daughter of a cook, I love food too much.

Until next time,

~ Mimi

Body Destruction: Day 1

Exercise: I got through the first day of this crazy experiment. The hour of cardio was tough since I haven’t had the time to work up to it, but I made it through with minimal cursing. Definitely helps to work out soon after I wake up.

I remember doing this particular workout in the summer and I had much more stamina yet I would sweat tons more. Today I was sweating, of course, but it wasn’t dripping onto the floor for me to slip on. Hopefully that doesn’t mean I’m not burning as much as I used to!

Food: There are some people in this world who can eat 1200 calories a day and not die. I am not one of those people. I feel empty even when I’m full. On the bright side, not being allowed to munch on things has led me to drinking water whenever I’m craving solids, so my pee is happy and no longer the color of apple juice.

Suppressing the sweet tooth has been working out better than expected! I only had a small fragment of chocolate + some gummy bears — nothing compared to my usual ice cream + cookies + cupcakes + chocolate. See, if I could only cut that crap out of my diet, I would probably drop 5 pounds in a month without trying. But alas. Nope.

Body: The hopping around is hard on my feet. The area where my foot attaches to my leg has that muscle soreness feeling when I go up on my toes. I have some difficulty grabbing things/making my hand into a fist. Minor back aches.

General thoughts: I fear the intensity of tomorrow’s workouts may actually kill me. Though I’m still doubting how 5 days of this can do anything to my body other than injure it, I’m pressing on!

Until next time,

~ Mimi x-x

Ten a Day (31-40) and a Sleepover Tale

Lil bro is a true engineer in the making. Check out his first set of SAT scores.

sat scores

Dat perfect math score. ಠ_ಠ

For comparison, two sets of my scores are here and here.

I laughed at him for his reading and writing scores. Then I promptly shut up upon seeing his math score. I’m not exactly exaggerating whenever I call him a human calculator. I’ve been struggling with some (read: all) of my calc homework and The Pest has been able to glance at some of the problems and instantly spit out an answer. He also practices long multiplication (example: 52582729 x 32593274) on a daily basis.

Anyway, my class is ending soon. Just finished my second midterm a few days ago and my final is tomorrow.

!!!!!!

I would like a B of some sort. Don’t know if that’s gonna happen but I just need to study super hard and maybe I will magically understand numbers in the span of 24 hours when I failed to do so in the past 20 years. It really does not help that temperatures have been in the 90s in my air conditioner-less college, resulting in sweat dripping off the ends of my hair and my skin feeling like I’ve been rolling in maple syrup.

Also, the friend whom I’d been staying with had gone home for a few days and locked the door to her room. That means I have been without my bedding, showering supplies, and every other toiletry necessary for cleanliness. My period starting just adds to the ickiness.

Manny came to visit last night after being wrongly guided 40 minutes in the wrong direction by his GPS. After a wordless dinner with me and watching me be lifeless and miserable in the passenger seat (1 hour of sleep + super hot day of sticky sweat + failing the midterm + crying in the library for failing said midterm + PMS + not having a place to stay), he decided to take me home with him.

Continue reading

Ten a Day (21-30)

JOURNAL.

AIN’T EVEN GONNA APOLOGIZE FOR THE CAPS BECAUSE I GOT MY CALC MIDTERM BACK.

-HYPERVENTILATES-

I GOT…

A 57.

OUT OF 70.

WHICH IS…

…an A-minus?

Okay, professor, I know I’m not very numerically inclined and I stare at you blankly half the time in class but a 57/70 is not an A-minus.

Well, it is after the gigantic curve. I guess I would have gotten a B-minus/81%, which I would have been thrilled with, actually! But the average was a 46/70 or something like that, or about a 66% without the curve.

What.

How could that be the average when I am the only student who never answers the professor when he asks questions about the problems on the board because I am completely lost?

I got no points for the first question — “Find the domain of the function f(x) = ln(1 – e-x)” — because when e‘s and logs and ln’s show up in a problem everything automatically equals unicorn vomit, for all I know. But then this true/false problem here:

2 + 2 = fish

Professor was starting to collect the exams and I didn’t know how the heck to approach this question so I pulled that above answer out of my own ass, then promptly died a little inside as I handed my packet to him.

He says that this average is pretty consistent with past averages for the summer calc course. These averages are always lower than the averages of a regular semester-long course, which is to be expected because the pace of this summer course is insane. My second midterm is in one week and I’m 7 homework assignments behind!

TT-TT

Next ten set of questions to take my mind off of scary math things.

Continue reading