countertransference is not illegal, i tell myself

Oh boy how time flies when life is happening huh journal hahaahahaa.

Sorry for neglecting you like I always do.

I started working full time roughly a month after my last post and I’ve been too busy evolving into an adult for the past 1.5 years to do much else. But for 2018 I made a list of resolutions and it includes writing entries more often than once a year. So here I am, two months late, but still!

I’ve been working in a mental health crisis facility, which isn’t as intense as you might think but it’s definitely interesting stuff. You meet some real characters. Lots of drug abuse. Everyone’s homeless. No one showers. Personality disorders suck for all involved. Haven’t given myself HIV by poking used needles yet but I’ve touched more syringes and crack pipes than I need to in a lifetime.

Without tying up this post with too much detail, I love my job and the personal development it’s forced me to undergo. Seriously, I feel like I’ve changed and matured so much since starting this job. But I’ll go into that another time — just wanted to check in today and announce that I’m still existing somewhere outside the internet.

I’ll close this entry with this: I may or may not have developed a troublesome crush on one of our frequent flyers and I may or may not have starting writing fic inspired by our interactions. Here, have some samples that are totally entirely definitely fictional scenes.  Continue reading

yes, of course

It’s strange to be able to say these next few things, journal, since I started writing here when I was a baby teen and I’ve grown so much in these 7 years. At least I think it’s been 7. Too lazy to spend 10 seconds going back to check.

(Okay fine, I checked and what the actual fuck it’s been nearly 8 years.)

As I was saying!

I made it through high school.

I fell in love with a boy.

I completed a bachelor’s degree at a wonderful school that completely changed my life.

I learned to navigate around chronic mental illnesses and now understand myself so much better because of it.

I maintained relationships with dear friends who scattered around the world after graduation.

I returned to my high school for our 5-year reunion.

I just finished my master’s degree.

And I’m not supposed to tell people this next thing because of complications that I’ll further explain, but…


I’m getting married.

Holy shit, right? That little baby child who started this journal all those years ago is now engaged!!

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It’s been a world of culture shock.

I’ve gone from a tiny women’s college in a bubble of a campus to a gigantic research university so interwoven with the city that I can’t tell what’s school and what’s not. It’s also co-ed! There are /men/ walking around!! That’s not to say I never saw men during my undergrad years, but I can count the number of dudes I’ve had in my classes on my two hands. That includes cis and trans dudes.

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Onto the Next One

The last time I posted, I told some lies. Like that I was gonna post again soon.

I am deeply sorry for lying. I apologize for neglecting you, journal. I was still a little girl scrambling to complete her last year of undergraduate studies, making claims and promises along the way that never followed through.

But it’s okay; I’ll make it up to you, journal. I truly swear this time because two important things have happened since my last post, erm, last year:

  1. I graduated and received my Bachelor of Arts degree (and left my undergraduate institution forever and ever and please please take me back i wanna go back)
  2. I just began my master’s at a graduate school!!!!

How does my moving from undergrad to grad school make things any different when it comes to my posting frequency? Simply because I had wrapped up one chapter of my life and started a new one. Think of it like New Year’s just happened and you’re making resolutions because you want to start anew. You know, except 75% of the year already passed and I have a concrete and logical start date — the start of grad school — of this new chapter, as opposed to the arbitrary designation of January 1st as the beginning of a fresh start.

YOU READ THAT RIGHT, I just promised to post more frequently. Not gonna promise how frequent, just… *more* frequent. I’m aiming for at least twice a month (hey, a huge improvement over ignoring this journal for a year), but I also expect I’ll be super busy if I start working in a research lab along with schooling full time. So we shall see if I end up being a scumbag for not following through once again. I’m super determined this time though, especially since I now need an outlet to discuss and vent and word vomit with most of my college friends unavailable to talk to because they’re scattered around the world after graduating. Gotta force myself to write shorter entries too, because I have a horrid habit of starting long ones that end up rotting in my drafts page for all of eternity (current count is 35).

If money weren’t such an issue I would have moved in with Ley in her apartment — it’s SO close to my new school. Alas, I am broke and must resort to commuting from home.

Of course, I have to talk about grad school now, right? I’ll save that for next time because I’ve just procrastinated hardcore by writing this post instead of doing the assignments due tomorrow.

For now I’ll just say that commuting is incredibly exhausting. I don’t understand why because it’s not like I’m driving myself — I am sitting on a train doing nothing and yet it drains me. I was also accustomed to waking up 15 minutes before class and still arriving on time. Can’t do that as a commuter. Tomorrow is my longest day so I’ll report back on whether I stay awake in class/finish the assignments that should not have been left untouched until now.

Until next time,

~ Mimi


the train to Nopesville.

The workload of this semester has been so terrifying that my ignoring-that-undesirable-things-exist defense mechanism is in full gear. I’m now home for spring break with three papers to write, an acting performance to prepare for, and a presentation to begin for another acting course. Of course I haven’t started any of those. Here’s a catch-up journal entry instead!


Four classes. Cognitive Psychology. Intro to Moral Philosophy. Intro to Linguistics. Research Methods in Developmental Psychology.

I magically got A-minuses in three of the four classes and only got a B-plus in Linguistics because that final exam was nightmarish. This did wonders to my previously atrocious GPA from failing 3 classes!

…not that it’s a great number now but at least it’s not a 2-point-something anymore.

The research methods course was utter hell from September to October because we essentially condensed a semester of material into those two months. But then the rest of the time was entirely focused on our research so I guess I wouldn’t mind keeping the structure of the course the way it is.

My research partner and I examined how preschoolers label ambiguous gender, and although our hypothesis wasn’t supported, our findings indicate that growing up in a gendered society may be an ass even to preschoolers. Since we had to design and conduct our own psych studies, this course really provided some much needed vocational direction for me. I loveeee doing research!

Looks like I’ll be slaving away in grad school for that Ph.D. until I’m thirty.

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The Pinky Promise

I have been too busy not-failing school to post. That is my only excuse for my excessive absence. I’M NOT APOLOGIZING BECAUSE I HAVE A CHANCE AT GRADUATING ON TIME NOW.


Thanksgiving break is coming up soon, so I’ll provide junior year updates then hopefully. For now, since I’ve been stuck “supporting” Manny at his League of Legends for the past nine hours, I’ll just use this post to answer the questions left at the end of my last post.

According to the end of that last post, that should mean I died at the hands of my parents after telling them about the boyfriend I’ve been hiding from them for over 2 years.

Except I didn’t die!!!11!

Or not really.

I think our parent-child relationship died a little, maybe. Let me explain what happened.

I only told The Old Man in the summer in order to fulfill the terms of the pinky promise, and his reaction dwindled my willingness to tell Mama to .00000001%.

I thought he was supposed to be the tolerant one.

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Goals of Impossiblity

At my current weight, it is not at all a feasible goal to lose 8 more pounds before cousin Mandy’s wedding in under 2 weeks, but that’s not stopping me from dying trying!

I’m not even that chubby/tall — basically these should be the incredibly stubborn Last Ten Pounds I’m trying to lose, or even the Last Twenty if I want to go that far — but compared to Mandy and the other tiny bridesmaids, I LOOK LIKE A WHALE. I’ve never met any of them but that’s what I’ve been told. D:

My summer class ended 2 weeks ago (I got an A-minus in a math class!!!!) and I’ve been spending my days since then working out. I alternated between double-cardio days and cardio/strength training days, and every day I challenged myself to do 100 squats because my butt is a sad creature.

The squats thing, it’s not so hard. You know, except for not being able to walk up the stairs immediately afterward. I’m working on being able to do 100 in a row instead of breaking it up into 2 sets of 50. I think my butt has firmed up a bit, but my thighs! They’re like rocks! <3 I used to hate how strong and bulky my short legs looked but I’ve grown to love their strength! Now, if only I can lose fat quicker than I gain muscle…

After about 10 days of this sweatfest, I stepped on the scale to find out if it had paid off at all.

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your face is offensive on so many levels

Two posts in one day what.

With DOMA declared unconstitutional and Prop 8 destroyed, the United States has taken a step closer to equality! My super liberal college is home to quite a few queer chicks and so Facebook has been flooded with cheers from lesbian friends and allies and, I don’t know, human beings.

Then again. People like this still exist:

bye doma

Initially I was gonna dismiss this article and not bother with it, but curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on it to find out exactly why this dickweed thinks overturning DOMA is “offensive on so many levels.”

Was really really hoping she wouldn’t bring God into this and yet again give religious folks a bad name. But alas, she does. Call us immoral or whatever, but not all of us believe in your God. I actually do, but somehow I doubt He’d be an advocate for all this hate.

stahp plz

Just sit down, Bachmann. We don’t have time for your bigotry. At least I don’t. I SHOULD BE STUDYING FOR MY FINAL TOMORROW OMG.

Until next time,

~ Mimi )’:

Ten a Day (31-40) and a Sleepover Tale

Lil bro is a true engineer in the making. Check out his first set of SAT scores.

sat scores

Dat perfect math score. ಠ_ಠ

For comparison, two sets of my scores are here and here.

I laughed at him for his reading and writing scores. Then I promptly shut up upon seeing his math score. I’m not exactly exaggerating whenever I call him a human calculator. I’ve been struggling with some (read: all) of my calc homework and The Pest has been able to glance at some of the problems and instantly spit out an answer. He also practices long multiplication (example: 52582729 x 32593274) on a daily basis.

Anyway, my class is ending soon. Just finished my second midterm a few days ago and my final is tomorrow.


I would like a B of some sort. Don’t know if that’s gonna happen but I just need to study super hard and maybe I will magically understand numbers in the span of 24 hours when I failed to do so in the past 20 years. It really does not help that temperatures have been in the 90s in my air conditioner-less college, resulting in sweat dripping off the ends of my hair and my skin feeling like I’ve been rolling in maple syrup.

Also, the friend whom I’d been staying with had gone home for a few days and locked the door to her room. That means I have been without my bedding, showering supplies, and every other toiletry necessary for cleanliness. My period starting just adds to the ickiness.

Manny came to visit last night after being wrongly guided 40 minutes in the wrong direction by his GPS. After a wordless dinner with me and watching me be lifeless and miserable in the passenger seat (1 hour of sleep + super hot day of sticky sweat + failing the midterm + crying in the library for failing said midterm + PMS + not having a place to stay), he decided to take me home with him.

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Until death do us part

Little girls are supposed to dream of marrying the guy of her dreams and having several darling little children and living happily ever after until you die.

Some time after entering college, I realized that my dream doesn’t include a Mr. Perfect.

(Or a Mrs. Perfect, since I’m somewhat flexible in my sexuality… or romanticity? I don’t like touching girl parts. Anyway, since I mostly like boys I’ll speak as if they’re the only option for me.)

I don’t want to get married. Ever. That includes living with a boyfriend for the rest of my life with our kids, which is basically marriage without the official stuff.

I guess I sorta still believe in a Mr. Right, though. If I find him, maybe then he’ll completely and utterly change my mind. Since I haven’t met him yet, I don’t know what kind of power he’ll have over my emotions and life so as for now marriage continues to be a no no.

On a sadder note, that probably means Manny isn’t that Mr. Right, even though the guy has made it pretty clear that he thinks I’m The One.

…He has explicitly said I WANT TO MARRY YOU and thus this will not be a pretty break-up.

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