countertransference is not illegal, i tell myself

Oh boy how time flies when life is happening huh journal hahaahahaa.

Sorry for neglecting you like I always do.

I started working full time roughly a month after my last post and I’ve been too busy evolving into an adult for the past 1.5 years to do much else. But for 2018 I made a list of resolutions and it includes writing entries more often than once a year. So here I am, two months late, but still!

I’ve been working in a mental health crisis facility, which isn’t as intense as you might think but it’s definitely interesting stuff. You meet some real characters. Lots of drug abuse. Everyone’s homeless. No one showers. Personality disorders suck for all involved. Haven’t given myself HIV by poking used needles yet but I’ve touched more syringes and crack pipes than I need to in a lifetime.

Without tying up this post with too much detail, I love my job and the personal development it’s forced me to undergo. Seriously, I feel like I’ve changed and matured so much since starting this job. But I’ll go into that another time — just wanted to check in today and announce that I’m still existing somewhere outside the internet.

I’ll close this entry with this: I may or may not have developed a troublesome crush on one of our frequent flyers and I may or may not have starting writing fic inspired by our interactions. Here, have some samples that are totally entirely definitely fictional scenes.  Continue reading

a reminder

I am back at school and the spring semester has started! (A month ago, actually, whoops, sorry!) You know what that means? Loooots of school work, searching for research opportunities and internships, no more having to plan secret romantic rendezvouses, and…

The ominous lurking of depression.

I’m pretty easily affected by stressful things if I’m not careful. That’s one of the reasons why, after much deliberating, I chose to not study abroad in Japan. My Japanese is not nearly proficient enough to survive over there, and not understanding people + not being understood = oodles of stress and frustration. Not risking it, especially in a nation with among the highest suicide rates in the world.

So, as a reminder of how terrible it is to feel these bad feels, I have here a monologue about depression that I wrote for my theater class last year.

I remember writing parts of this while I was locked up in the psychiatric ward with nothing to do but reflect over my being.

I’ve been in such a great mood lately. Unexplainable… but great. Let’s not have this happen again.

I know a monster that bites. It mainly bites, but it also gnaws, chomps, beats with its tail until its poor victim is bruised and bleeding and wishes for death. This monster, it’s quite adept at hiding, because it’s been here for so long and yet I never realized it. Since high school, was it? No—perhaps it existed even before then, driven here by the two girls who often phoned my house anonymously in the eighth grade, asked me if I ate ice cream with chopsticks.

This monster lives in me. It calls itself the Sadness. It is a vicious beast of the most bitter, icy blue hue, and it dwells within me in a place I cannot see, or reach, or find. Or maybe I do see it, have noticed it all along, but only turned my head the other way as if by doing so the monster will gradually ebb into nonexistence. I didn’t know that only gave it time to grow.

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sunday, a short short story

From my summer writing class, a short short story is not simply just a short story that’s shortened. It’s supposed to tell so much and yet not enough, end before it begins. It’s just supposed to work. In the world of fics, it’s like a drabble. My professor thought I did really well for a first attempt and that’s why I have the balls to post it here.

I figured that the lack of length will allow me to more easily write as a boy. My inspiration is not obvious at all. :P Continue reading


Taking another brief study break from bio to post this, hehe. It’s a selection from one of the things I wrote in my theater class on the personal narrative/memoir. Prompt was to write about my feelings. Now. Not yesterday, not last week, not one hour ago. Now.

Uhh, unfortunately my professor caught me during that painful mutual break-up the boyfriend and I attempted for our own good but failed miserably. So I present to you (under a cut because I’m not letting this embarrassing sucky metaphoric teenage angsty blech float free in the open) whatever the heck I wrote.

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Doctor, I Have a Problem

Resistance Is Futile

He grins.
A big toothy smile like piano keys,
Just as massive and pearly white.

And when those lips part
And the song starts
It reaches me.
Winds into my ears
Past the brain, frantically resisting,
Down my whole being
To kiss the heart.

Yep. That’s exactly how my celebrity crush on Tegoshi Yuya started. It began with his smile, then his voice…

Then there was no going back.

And here I am today, still hopelessly infatuated with not only Tegoshi, but the other five members of NEWS.

Massu, you creeper.

Found that — terrible — poem in my writing archives (dated January 4th, 2011) while searching for writing inspiration, and since there’s nothing particularly spazz-worthy as of late, I figured I’d just post it. I think I wrote it for that poetry scrapbook thing I did for English. I swear, journal, I didn’t realize at the time of writing it that I was writing about Tegoshi. I thought it was just a cliche-ish portrayal of a girl falling for a musician.

Woah. Subconscious writing. Sick. :Dv

Anyway, I wanna talk about Ouran today. Yay spoilers!

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Until Forever

Today’s entry is sponsored by KoyaTegoMass-brand cuteness.

They’re so colorful. <3 Even though I’m disappointed that Shige was occupied with something else (his stage show?) to be in this shoot, he would have messed up the hair colors thing they have going on.

Of course Massu gets food while the other two get random objects. ^3^

Koyama and Tegoshi have a long history of cutely sharing food. Or is it Tegoshi with NEWS in general? Whatever, we all know Tegoshi is a promiscuous creature. :D

I don’t know what Massu’s staring at, but he’s off in his own little world with his panda while KoyaTego are being all squishy with their Pocky. I usually view Koyama and Tegoshi’s relationship as a typical little-brother-big-brother one, but then there are moments like this where Tegoshi acts like such a girlfriend it’s as though they ship themselves.

Not that I mind. ;)

Oh, now Massu wants in on the fun. I guess that’s what he gets for frolicking with Shige so much lately. KOYATEGO PAYBACK.

It’s obvious why some fans view Koyama as the mother of NEWS and Tegomass as the children. Such a lovely family they are. <3

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Simplistic Bliss

I lost count of how many times I replayed the Dancin’ in the Secret performance.

Iitai Dake is some kind of dorkfest and I love every second of it. (Now, if only I can understand their little corner. :P)

Unrelated to LIVE!x3 DVD, but it’s cute and I’m in the holiday spirit:

This is how Tegoshi and Shige make up after a fight. At least, that’s how it goes in fangirls’ heads. <3

. . .

Happy holidays, world! I’ve been trying to finish this monstrous post for days but I kept falling asleep. LOL that shows how exciting my life is. :3

Plus, got majorly distracted by the concert DVD. :P And playing Katamari Damacy. :Dv There’s something oddly satisfying about watching a giant ball swallow up every smaller item in its path.

Anyway, school ended on such a good note! The past weeks had progressively gotten better as the days ticked by, from spending ALL OF SUNDAY (12/12) AND EARLY MONDAY MORNING finishing three of my college applications, to all the drama concerning Corr, to the chill last day before Christmas vacation, to MY EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY. :DDD

Oh, I simply HAVE to describe everything in typical me fashion, i.e. in list form and with too much, often extraneous, detail. Starting with Saturday, December 11, this had been my week before Christmas vacation.

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