countertransference is not illegal, i tell myself

Oh boy how time flies when life is happening huh journal hahaahahaa.

Sorry for neglecting you like I always do.

I started working full time roughly a month after my last post and I’ve been too busy evolving into an adult for the past 1.5 years to do much else. But for 2018 I made a list of resolutions and it includes writing entries more often than once a year. So here I am, two months late, but still!

I’ve been working in a mental health crisis facility, which isn’t as intense as you might think but it’s definitely interesting stuff. You meet some real characters. Lots of drug abuse. Everyone’s homeless. No one showers. Personality disorders suck for all involved. Haven’t given myself HIV by poking used needles yet but I’ve touched more syringes and crack pipes than I need to in a lifetime.

Without tying up this post with too much detail, I love my job and the personal development it’s forced me to undergo. Seriously, I feel like I’ve changed and matured so much since starting this job. But I’ll go into that another time — just wanted to check in today and announce that I’m still existing somewhere outside the internet.

I’ll close this entry with this: I may or may not have developed a troublesome crush on one of our frequent flyers and I may or may not have starting writing fic inspired by our interactions. Here, have some samples that are totally entirely definitely fictional scenes.  Continue reading

a reminder

I am back at school and the spring semester has started! (A month ago, actually, whoops, sorry!) You know what that means? Loooots of school work, searching for research opportunities and internships, no more having to plan secret romantic rendezvouses, and…

The ominous lurking of depression.

I’m pretty easily affected by stressful things if I’m not careful. That’s one of the reasons why, after much deliberating, I chose to not study abroad in Japan. My Japanese is not nearly proficient enough to survive over there, and not understanding people + not being understood = oodles of stress and frustration. Not risking it, especially in a nation with among the highest suicide rates in the world.

So, as a reminder of how terrible it is to feel these bad feels, I have here a monologue about depression that I wrote for my theater class last year.

I remember writing parts of this while I was locked up in the psychiatric ward with nothing to do but reflect over my being.

I’ve been in such a great mood lately. Unexplainable… but great. Let’s not have this happen again.

I know a monster that bites. It mainly bites, but it also gnaws, chomps, beats with its tail until its poor victim is bruised and bleeding and wishes for death. This monster, it’s quite adept at hiding, because it’s been here for so long and yet I never realized it. Since high school, was it? No—perhaps it existed even before then, driven here by the two girls who often phoned my house anonymously in the eighth grade, asked me if I ate ice cream with chopsticks.

This monster lives in me. It calls itself the Sadness. It is a vicious beast of the most bitter, icy blue hue, and it dwells within me in a place I cannot see, or reach, or find. Or maybe I do see it, have noticed it all along, but only turned my head the other way as if by doing so the monster will gradually ebb into nonexistence. I didn’t know that only gave it time to grow.

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sunday, a short short story

From my summer writing class, a short short story is not simply just a short story that’s shortened. It’s supposed to tell so much and yet not enough, end before it begins. It’s just supposed to work. In the world of fics, it’s like a drabble. My professor thought I did really well for a first attempt and that’s why I have the balls to post it here.

I figured that the lack of length will allow me to more easily write as a boy. My inspiration is not obvious at all. :P Continue reading

flight//

Taking another brief study break from bio to post this, hehe. It’s a selection from one of the things I wrote in my theater class on the personal narrative/memoir. Prompt was to write about my feelings. Now. Not yesterday, not last week, not one hour ago. Now.

Uhh, unfortunately my professor caught me during that painful mutual break-up the boyfriend and I attempted for our own good but failed miserably. So I present to you (under a cut because I’m not letting this embarrassing sucky metaphoric teenage angsty blech float free in the open) whatever the heck I wrote.

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Doctor, I Have a Problem

Resistance Is Futile

He grins.
A big toothy smile like piano keys,
Just as massive and pearly white.

And when those lips part
And the song starts
It reaches me.
Winds into my ears
Past the brain, frantically resisting,
Down my whole being
To kiss the heart.

Yep. That’s exactly how my celebrity crush on Tegoshi Yuya started. It began with his smile, then his voice…

Then there was no going back.

And here I am today, still hopelessly infatuated with not only Tegoshi, but the other five members of NEWS.


Massu, you creeper.

Found that — terrible — poem in my writing archives (dated January 4th, 2011) while searching for writing inspiration, and since there’s nothing particularly spazz-worthy as of late, I figured I’d just post it. I think I wrote it for that poetry scrapbook thing I did for English. I swear, journal, I didn’t realize at the time of writing it that I was writing about Tegoshi. I thought it was just a cliche-ish portrayal of a girl falling for a musician.

Woah. Subconscious writing. Sick. :Dv

Anyway, I wanna talk about Ouran today. Yay spoilers!

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Until Forever

Today’s entry is sponsored by KoyaTegoMass-brand cuteness.


They’re so colorful. <3 Even though I’m disappointed that Shige was occupied with something else (his stage show?) to be in this shoot, he would have messed up the hair colors thing they have going on.


Of course Massu gets food while the other two get random objects. ^3^


Koyama and Tegoshi have a long history of cutely sharing food. Or is it Tegoshi with NEWS in general? Whatever, we all know Tegoshi is a promiscuous creature. :D

I don’t know what Massu’s staring at, but he’s off in his own little world with his panda while KoyaTego are being all squishy with their Pocky. I usually view Koyama and Tegoshi’s relationship as a typical little-brother-big-brother one, but then there are moments like this where Tegoshi acts like such a girlfriend it’s as though they ship themselves.

Not that I mind. ;)


Oh, now Massu wants in on the fun. I guess that’s what he gets for frolicking with Shige so much lately. KOYATEGO PAYBACK.


It’s obvious why some fans view Koyama as the mother of NEWS and Tegomass as the children. Such a lovely family they are. <3

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Simplistic Bliss

I lost count of how many times I replayed the Dancin’ in the Secret performance.

Iitai Dake is some kind of dorkfest and I love every second of it. (Now, if only I can understand their little corner. :P)

Unrelated to LIVE!x3 DVD, but it’s cute and I’m in the holiday spirit:

This is how Tegoshi and Shige make up after a fight. At least, that’s how it goes in fangirls’ heads. <3

. . .

Happy holidays, world! I’ve been trying to finish this monstrous post for days but I kept falling asleep. LOL that shows how exciting my life is. :3

Plus, got majorly distracted by the concert DVD. :P And playing Katamari Damacy. :Dv There’s something oddly satisfying about watching a giant ball swallow up every smaller item in its path.

Anyway, school ended on such a good note! The past weeks had progressively gotten better as the days ticked by, from spending ALL OF SUNDAY (12/12) AND EARLY MONDAY MORNING finishing three of my college applications, to all the drama concerning Corr, to the chill last day before Christmas vacation, to MY EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY. :DDD

Oh, I simply HAVE to describe everything in typical me fashion, i.e. in list form and with too much, often extraneous, detail. Starting with Saturday, December 11, this had been my week before Christmas vacation.

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INCOHERENT

Okay.

Okay.

I’m kind of incoherent right now. No, I’m VERY incoherent right now. Hence the title.

Here. Just take a look at the thing that rendered me speechless.

This arrived in my mailbox today from Superkeshigomu, quite possibly the loveliest person in the history of ever. <33 “This” is a shiny, official Massu shop photo and a postcard with Tegoshi’s face on it. Massu is strategically placed to cover the embarrassing message she made Tegoshi say. ^///^

Thank God it was The Old Man and not Mama who had collected the mail. He handed two envelopes to me somewhat questioningly, saying that one of them is a usual college letter (Hartwick this time), and the other, he doesn’t know. I immediately knew what it was but I played it cool, resisting the urge to tear it out of his hands. Instead, I took the letters, casually threw them on the table, and told him I’d get to them later because I was busy right now. Typical of him, he just forgot all about it.

The moment he left the room, I ran back and ripped open the handwritten envelope as fast as I could. No scissors were around, so yep, I literally ripped it open. Completely murdered the nice envelope, sorry. :3

And when I laid my eyes upon the beautiful contents, my face strongly resembled this:

No, really. I looked just like that. The Pest even came over to see what was going on.

It’s so weird that two little pieces of paper and some written words and cuteee little drawings (the itty bitty heads of Tego and Massu!) would make me so happy. With the two of Tegomass right before my eyes, oh, they’re both just so pretty. Plus, I’d gotten glitter all over the table from a Bioethics project, and some of that stuck to Tegomass and now they’re literally sparkly. ^o^

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH. <3 I love them and your message, and yes, they definitely made my day. :D

BUT I feel terrible now because I haven’t a clue how I can possibly match what I’d been given. ;___; I don’t even know how to mail a letter.

One last fangirly thing before I break for RL.

THIS is supposed to be Kirishima, the hot-headed, somewhat badass detective in Deka Wanko. Does that look even remotely badass to you? Oh, he’s such a cutie. ^–^ I’m gonna have trouble taking him seriously when the drama starts.

I think I have serious issues about Tegoshi’s hair. Because I downright HATE it when I see people talking about loving his new dark, straight hair. It’s comments like, “KYAAAAAAAAA OMGOMGOMG STRAIGHT AND BLACK HAIR TEGOSHI <333” (<—– THIS IS AN ACTUAL COMMENT) that especially tick me off. The whole time, my mind is being bitchy and going, “Oh god, shut up.”

I really don’t know why I feel this way because even though I am one of the few Tegoperm supporters, I think this style’s adorable. Perhaps TOO adorable for Kirishima.

Ehh, it’s likely just my subconscience advocating my individualist philosophies. XD

. . .

I just realized that I am going to die if I don’t finish Let Me Hear Your Voice.

I’d been joking when I responded to the murderous look in Adele’s eyes back in April — April! D: — by telling her that I wasn’t gonna finish it before the end of junior year.

Well… June came.

And June went.

Now it’s December and I’m only halfway done. -___-;;

With huge papers due every week, a lack of sleep, never ending studying for tests, keeping up with NEWS activity (not a priority but I CAN’T HELP MYSELF), and college stuff that I have yet to start, I just don’t have time to do what I love doing: write.

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Dragging through the week

I NOW SHIP RYOMASSU.

I don’t know what triggered that declaration, but I just suddenly realized it. Then again, why am I surprised that I ship such an odd pair, seeing how I already ship Tegoshi with anything that moves (and some that don’t ;Dv), and Shige with all of NEWS at once.

:DDD

In unrelated NEWS, this is why you shouldn’t completely trust Wikipedia.

Oi, he’s not 23~ D:

By the way, I think something is seriously wrong with me because I’m in love with Tegoshi’s current poof of a hairstyle.

Still have yet to find one living soul who’s not in a mental institution who likes him looking like that. Except for me. Why am I weird.

. . .

I feel like writing an ultra lengthy life entry because I don’t talk about my life enough. And because fandom has been pretty quiet lately.

Last week had been horrible. Absolutely terrible. Good things happened, of course, but I can be pessimistic when I want to be and right now I want to be.

I practically spend my life at school, ew. DX

Huge entry below, just to warn you.

Sunday (aka Mother’s Day)

(I don’t know why but I really hate putting in the dots like I’m supposed to when I write certain abbreviations. It’s more proper to write “a.k.a.” but I never do. Hmm.)

I have no money, no time, and no drive. And so, I didn’t do anything for Mama. I just appreciated her quietly. Her uptight and strict parenting screwed up my mentality pretty bad, but she cooks like awesome so I have to tolerate her, at least until I can leave this house.

And also, she tripped while pregnant with me and I’m convinced that did something to my brain. D: Hence my slowness.

Instead of doing something for her, I made myself a bracelet in five minutes. I don’t know, sometimes I just do things I wonder about. :Db Here’s a photo of the bracelet resting on my open Bio book:


(Rainbow + black + glass beads = <333)

Still suck at taking pictures.

One of my cousins (or something like that) celebrated his first birthday on Mother’s Day. There was lots of food. I ate lots of food. I eat a lot when I’m stressed. *pokes belly* Then I went outside and read my Bio book until I had to leave. The Pest disappeared to play video games somewhere upstairs in that house, with a friend. They had been friends for years, but last year someone from my family married someone from his family and now I guess we’re related through marriage? Ha, this reminds me of when my old friend Beverly and her worst enemy became cousins when their aunt and uncle got married, way back in third grade. Lol, today they still hate each other. :P

I have this theory that if you randomly select two people from the street and trace through all their connections, somewhere along the way you’ll find that someone will know someone or someone is related to someone.

The world is so small~

EDIT: Apparently this is not an original theory? Boo, someone had already come up with it.

After that, we went to visit my grandmother at her home. I continued to study for Bio, guided by an extremely helpful outline written by someone who had contacted me about beta reading a fanfiction (mentioned in an earlier entry; it’s two in the morning, too lazy to look it up). I was now convinced that fate is trying to make amends by having such a person contact me just days before my AP Bio exam. There ARE nice people in the world after all. TT-TT

(Note: Ask for a name/alias. And gender. Can’t automatically assume person is female because I’ve beta read for two guys before. Interesting how the guys are usually better than girls at writing. /jealous)

Oh, I came up with a super lame pick-up line while eating dinner, entirely influenced by Bio. It’s a scientific pick-up line that’s guaranteed to score you nothing more than a slap in the face:

“I must be an ectotherm ’cause you’re making me hot.”

Ectotherms, by the way, obtain their heat from external sources, while endotherms make their own heat.

^o^

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Still can’t sing D:

But I tried anyway. And I didn’t make the pitch higher this time~

Yep, still awful. ^^ I don’t understand how Corr can sing so high while still sounding clearer than a blue sky. My voice was never the same after I recovered from laryngitis.

Like I said before, “Yoru wa Hoshi wo Nagameteokure” has become one of my favorite Tegomass songs. I’d love it even more if there was a PV for it — I WANNA SEE TEGOMASS TEARS — but you can’t always get what you want. ;__;

I can’t sing the verses at all. I sound bad enough singing the chorus, so the verses are even worse. Too low for my range. I love singing. But I don’t like it enough to practice every day so that I can improve. Maybe in the summer. For now, though, it looks like I’m stuck with this voice, however scratchy, grating, drawling, and just altogether weird it may be.

Dangit, Tegomass, how did you two get so good? >______<

. . .

Four-hour AP Biology exam in two days. Not bothering to hope for a 5 or 4; I’ll just aim for a passing score of 3.

Ehh~ too low in spirits to write anything else about my life.

Instead, I’ll just post another snippet of the short story I mentioned in this entry. After pondering for a long time, I decided to title it “Let Me Hear Your Voice.” Unfortunately, I like that title too much to change it when I found out several weeks later that I had unconsciously written the translation of “Koe wo Kikasete,” a Big Bang song. “Koe wo Kikasete” is my favorite song from Big Bang, even though I’m neither a fan of them nor the quality of their voices. Compared to the spazztastic imperfections of Johnny’s, they’re too perfect, almost in a robotic way. D:

The doctors deny him entrance to the emergency room when he arrives at the hospital. He doesn’t know how long the ambulance has been sitting there in front of the building; he just knows it got there first, taunting him with its flashy sirens, and he slams his fist into the brick wall of an apartment building in frustration.

Stevie does end up going to school after all—two thousand twenty-five seconds after the late bell, but better than not coming at all. His parents hadn’t sent him to America just to have him skip classes. As he scribbles down his name for a pass from the office, the secretary there shoots him dirty looks, seems to think he’s one of those hooligans who show up half the time and believe that homework time is synonymous to getting high and utterly wasted. He only says flatly that there has been an accident, and doesn’t elaborate when she calls after his retreating form.

He makes it in time for Honors Calculus, his best class even though he hates it. The elderly teacher accepts his pass with a nod and nothing else. She knows he’s a good kid and this is his first tardy of the year, so she’s willing to let it slide. He easily maneuvers his way over the backpacks blocking the rows and takes his seat.

A wave of whispers sweeps through the room. Things had certainly looked suspicious when the happy, bubbly, everybody’s-friend Sydney Moray missed school for the first time, and so did that weird New Zealander transfer, Stevie Ashford, who, despite being labeled guaranteed valedictorian and playing outside midfielder on the soccer team, stays so low-profile that he might as well not exist at all. They should have known she won’t skip school with him. After all, Sydney likes fun, and Stevie is galaxies away from that.

He glances at the board, tries his best to focus, but every time he sees the teacher draw with her unsteady hand the top part of the pi symbol, he can’t help but think back to the morning, inside the ambulance, to the weakly pulsing green line beeping within the box that monitored the beating of Sydney’s heart.

That’s all it takes for Stevie to push all thoughts of calculus out of his head.

He then looks sideways at the vacant desk beside his, the one assigned to Sydney, and he wonders how long it will be before that seat is filled again.

It’s kind of fun to write emo. :Dv

Now, if only I could write better.

Until next time,

~ Mimi ;________;

P.S. Proof that AP Bio is ruling my life: While eating some kind of green plant for dinner, one thought that crossed my mind was, “It’s gonna be impossible for me to digest the cellulose in this.”

Proof that I need more sleep than I am currently getting: In this Tegomass clip I watched a moment ago, Tegoshi was the first one to speak and I got momentarily confused when I couldn’t understand the words coming out of his mouth.

This is my life.

D: