a secret

Sometimes there are things I can’t speak of to anyone. Not to strangers who don’t give a crap. Not to my psychiatrist. Not to my best friends. Not to my boyfriend. Not to my brother. Not even you, journal.

I need help but I’m scared to ask for it.

And so it festers.

9 thoughts on “a secret

  1. If you let it fester you’ll soon be beyond help. Ask for it now while you can, no matter how difficult it is.

  2. I’ve never been able to ask for help. People have to force me to do things. ;__; I think I need to at least wait until the end of the month to make sure this is a real problem before I do anything.

  3. I hate asking for help but I also hate forcing people to tell me what’s wrong. Can you really wait till the end of the month? If you can’t tell somebody you know, you can always tell people you don’t know very well. Fellow Johnny’s fangirl here at your service :) (I owe you for the link you send me for the 2011 countdown ;)

  4. I actually can wait, because sometimes it’s just a false alarm. My brain is such a scumbag at times. -_____-

    And I won’t go into detail (because my mind is seriously disturbing) but I’ve been having the same calm, creepy, rational yet irrational thoughts I used to have before I was medicated. I would sit on the couch and try to do work on my laptop and this strong urge to cry forever would come over me. Out of nowhere!

    Then it went away for a few days and came back later, only this time, I did cry. I cried myself to sleep for the first time in months. I know most teenage girls go through moments like this, but given my history and unstable mind, I can’t help but freak out a bit.

    But thank you very much for asking! I hate writing sad things in my journal if it’s not fictional, so I’ll refrain from more cryptic posts like this!

  5. Those times happen to me as well. I could just be reading a book that isn’t even sad and I suddenly get wave of sadness just hit me and I’ll start crying. And then I feel like a weird drone or something, as if my mind had detached itself from me and then I would have these very clinical cold thoughts.

    Usually it’s only for a couple of days and then I’m back to normal, so I get you wanting to wait some time to see if it’s serious.

    It’s understandable that this happens to everyone once in a while but repeat episodes aren’t a good sign. People usually think this is hormone related but if this happens a lot, it would probably indicate a hormone inbalance so it might be good to see a doctor or a naturopath (I know that sounds a little hippy). But that’s only if it goes on for a long time and I’m sure you’ll be back to your version of normal soon : )

  6. Yes, that’s how it is exactly! It’s creepy, isn’t it? I got off my medication two months ago so that’s why I can’t tell if this is all just delayed withdrawal symptoms or something scarier. Only time will tell, I guess. I’m feeling a bit weird right now too. Not sad exactly but there’s this unpleasant heaviness.

    I saw my pediatrician today and she agrees that it’s not normal (or my version of “normal”; thank you for putting it that way :D) to spontaneously burst into tears. She wants me to go back on my meds and then she drew 3 tubes of blood from me to check for any hormone imbalances (like you said!) that might be causing this. No matter what this is, I really think I just can’t be caged in my house for long stretches of time. I go literally crazy. :/

  7. Creepy is the understatment of the century :) The weirdness is always around, but I guess what you can call the levels of weirdness fluctuate from day to day. As long as the fluctuations aren’t too manic. You could rate mine like the heaviness of a blanket (similar to you) or like a “cloak of darkness” (like a dementor).

    Glad you had a chance to go to the doctor. When I went around 2 years ago, I’d found I was borderline anemic – which explained a lot. You wouldn’t think little things like an iron deficiency could make such a huge difference but it does. But sometimes even fixing stuff like that doesn’t help so be mindful of that (trying hard not to sound like a pessimist). Let me know how it goes with your doctor, if you want to this. I can’t say I have any advice about going “crazy” in your house. You just gotta find something that works for you. To slow down the crazy.

  8. So I saw my doctor today! From all the blood she took from me, she did find that I have anemic tendencies but she doesn’t think that’s causing any problems right now. And I feel much better now! It’s a huge improvement from the sobbing emotional mess I was 1-2 weeks ago. I’m refusing to be medicated again, so I’m just going to try to convince my parents to let me get some air once in a while. But like you said, the weirdness is always there. It’s never completely gone, crouching low like a creeper behind you waiting to attack when you’re at your most vulnerable. We need to constantly be on our toes to fight it when it decides to pounce.

  9. That’s great that you’re feeling a lot better :) Sometimes just going to the doctor can be kind of theraputic in a weird way, so it’s good that you went (also that it wasn’t some major physical ‘thing’ wrong). My doctor said it was completely normal for people to ‘go to their dark places’ every once in a while, even regularly. But it’s the period of time that’s most important. If it goes on for more than around 2 weeks, it’s definitely not something to take lightly. Anything less doesn’t mean it could be serious, but it also doesn’t mean that you’re deranged (or need to be medicated).

    The metaphors are endless but very true. I feel like the creeper for me always gets me when I think I’m completely ‘normal’, completely catching me off guard. Definitely need to be on our toes. If you ever need a can of mace to spray the creeper, give me a yell :)

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