HAPPY 26TH BIRTHDAY, MASSU!
I wish I could write more about this man and just fangirl about NEWS’s upcoming tour and single and fabulousness as a whole, but my manuscript for my summer class is due tomorrow by 8am so some other time, my lovely!
. . .
Another post detailing more illicit nightly activities in even more detail? Yes? Okay. Let your image of me go down the toilet!
It just gets worse from that previous Love Story post, folks.
I headed over to Manny’s dorm once again because he had invited me to a dance. He, his roommate, and neighbor Andrew were all going. It was a formal-ish event so I brought a dress to change into. Since I was used to seeing the boys in sweatpants and t-shirts all the time, I thought they cleaned up surprisingly well!
The walk/train ride to the dance was significant only because it was the first time he held my hand in public! Like I said, we don’t do anything in order, and this small yet sweet gesture had set off a flurry of butterflies in my stomach.
The dance itself wasn’t really significant, so I’ll just bullet point some details:
- Benji got some alcohol from some chick before the dance so he was drunk and weird throughout the night, fail!dancing with various girls.
- Manny was dancing with me while simultaneously watching out for his roommate in case the boy tried to to stupid things.
- …like run across train tracks as a train sped towards him.
- Dathan was at the dance! At 6’3″ and wearing a red dress shirt, he was hard to miss. He offered to drive us back to the boys’ college but he seemed to be having too much fun at the end so we decided to walk back.
- I cannot dance.
- Especially the grinding type of “dance.”
- Manny very kindly (read: blatantly) told me that I should learn how to grind better as us two were walking back to his college, a 30-minute walk.
- I was wearing heels. D:
- It was freezing. (And he’s anemic so his hands were ice.)
- We were starving.
- It was 12:30 am and quite idiotic of us to walk through the city at such a potentially unsafe hour.
- I was still mildly depressed and extremely socially awkward then so conversing on my part took some effort.
Back at his dorm, he found out that I hadn’t eaten in 9 hours (I never complain when I’m hungry to people who are not family because I don’t like sounding whiny :/) so he cooked each of us some ramen. I know, microwaving packaged ramen sounds ergh and cheap, but I didn’t care. HE “COOKED” FOR ME.
Then he surprised me by giving me two things: a personalized key chain with my name on it that he got when he was in Washington D.C. for a wedding during the Thanksgiving holiday, and a giant monkey for my birthday. I hardly ever receive gifts so it definitely caught me off guard. I’m sure I didn’t seem nearly as happy as I was internally but I was trying so hard to not tackle him in a hug (because he had a hot container of ramen in his hands).
But… let me confess it here. The key chain was the ugliest freaking thing I have ever seen. There. Manny, I’m sorry. It was hideous. IS hideous. And yet… I carried it with me in my backpack for the rest of the school year. Luckily for him, I am definitely the sensitive type who appreciates gestures, so I loved it and nearly burst into tears when I realized that he had searched for something specifically for me.
Then we went to brush our teeth together. Instead of letting me walk up a few flights of stairs to get to the girls’ restroom, he said it was fine if I used the guys’ one on his floor with him. And, of course, while we were brushing our teeth, two guys walk in and proceed to calmly use the urinals, all the while continuing on with their conversation with each other.
After food and teeth brushing was horror movie time, of course. I remembered the title of this one since it’s so famous. The Grudge. :D
As the movie loaded, he slid into bed with me and just sort of held me in his arms of sexiness. After a moment of burying his face in my hair, he murmured to me, “I think I might be falling in love with you.”
Perhaps it wasn’t the smartest of ideas to tell a girl who’s positively terrified of love in all forms that you could possibly be falling in love with her. I’m not sure how normal people would respond, but I know that my reaction was totally inappropriate for such a solemn confession: I laughed. Out of extreme nervousness and fear — but I laughed nonetheless. That was the last thing I expected to come out of his mouth.
I couldn’t lie to him, so I just told him it’s a bit early for love (read: WAY TOO FREAKING SOON WHAT THE EFF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BOY) and that I wouldn’t exactly know what love is anyway, trying my best to not show how freaked out I was. I liked him very very very much, but could I call it love? No. I knew it wasn’t. Not yet. Maybe not ever, but I kept that last part to myself.
He agreed with me, saying that he wouldn’t know what love is either. Was that his way of letting me know that he understood what I really meant? That I couldn’t say the same thing back to him?
Anyway. I tried to forget the quick exchange when the movie started. It wasn’t too scary, actually. Probably because he kept distracting me, which I didn’t exactly mind terribly. :P He put in another film afterward — an action-adventure flick, I think — and that was when it happened.
The fourth and final base.
I TOLD YOU, journal, the two of us don’t do anything in order in this crazy relationship game, and that includes sex before we ever really went out on a date.
But what about waiting for Mr. Right, you may be asking. What about falling in love first? What about saving yourself for marriage, for that one special guy? Why did you give away something you could never get back to someone you didn’t love, just 9 days before your 19th birthday?
Let me say this before I go any further. Before college, I had attended 14 years of various parochial schools. Catholic ones, to be exact. So, even though I wasn’t technically Catholic, I had been raised like one. Growing up in a non-religious family, it was easy for me to adopt these Christian beliefs and values, one of which is to refrain from premarital sex.
Before college, I truly had been that no-sex-before-marriage kind of girl. I even told myself, “I will not sleep with the guy unless I know I love him.” But like I mentioned before, college changes you more than you can anticipate. I think losing your virginity is a choice you can’t make until that moment he asks you yes or no. I’m going to make a morbid and almost inappropriate comparison, but it’s almost like suicide. As terrifying as it sounds, until you are face to face with that life or death decision, it does not matter how often you promise your loved ones that you will never take your own life. You just won’t know how you’re going to act until that time comes.
It may sound funny that I, normally this mega prude who acts as if she were raised in a convent, would agree to have sex the very first time I was asked. That’s right, not once did I tell him no. It didn’t happen like, “Hey, can we–” “YES,” but I only pondered it over in silence for literally five seconds before saying, “Go ahead.” I think my crazy schizophrenia pills were partially the reason why I made such a choice. It numbs my brain so that I can’t really think and worry, so it was much easier to make stupid, irreversible decisions.
There’s another simple reason behind my decision, one I never mentioned in this journal because, well, I never had to. And I only just realized it myself.
You see, on the outside I maintain this dumb, childlike image. Maybe “image” is the wrong word actually, because I truly can be super naive in terms of my thoughts and behaviors. (Think back to the Micah incident.)
Secretly, though… I harbor an extremely high sex drive.
I don’t know why, but I’ve always been this way. My antidepressant toned this hypersexuality down a bit but my natural girl hormones apparently can’t be that contained. I was always used to not getting what I want when I was younger so it wasn’t too difficult for me to suppress these urges for so long. But now I’m in college and have a boyfriend so…
I stopped taking my medicine over a month ago and hoooly crap my sex drive is off the roof. Just insatiable. Faaaaaar higher than Manny’s. Oh dear. I really am a whore, journal. Or at least I would be if I didn’t despise promiscuity so much. ;___; And Laureen would so chide me for slut shaming but she’s not here so I’ll say it once more: I AM A WHORE.
Yet, I didn’t regret my decision, not then and not now. It probably helped that we were each other’s firsts. Or maybe I have no morals.
Oh right. What was it like? You hear vastly different tales around the internet detailing what girls’ first times were like, ranging from “It was soooo amazing!” to “It felt like I was being ripped apart.”
Me? Firstly, no pain. None whatsoever. (But maybe that was partly due to the Third Base events of the week before. It had slightly hurt at that time, but not this time.) Unless you count the soreness I felt every time I sat. Girls are supposed to expect some soreness the day after — and indeed I did.
And remember in the last post when I said I didn’t believe him when he told me he was a virgin? Um. I believed him now. He clearly did not know what he was doing, LOL sorry, love. My first time wasn’t good but it wasn’t bad, and the poor boy knew this after he, erm, finished. He sort of curled up into a fetal position and moaned over his poor performance while I did my best to comfort him. It’s a man’s pride, you know, being able to sexually satisfy his woman. Okay, so first-time Fourth Base wasn’t the amazingness that fics promised. I don’t know if it’s just him or me or my antidepressant. (Probably the last one.) But honestly? I thought the whole night was so sweet. It was a nice change seeing Mr. Confidence suddenly have no idea what to do for once.
I had to go pee afterward. I heard it’s a good idea to pee after sex, but I also just needed to pee, haha. I didn’t expect that there would be people outside at this hour, but lo and behold, I peeked out and found two guys conversing in the hall. Oh duh. College boys don’t sleep.
I just kept my head down as I shuffled down the hall to get to the girls’ restroom, diligently ignoring the cat calls and wolf whistles from the two witnesses of me emerging from a boy’s dorm on a boys-only floor at four in the morning, complete with disheveled clothing, smudged makeup, and sex hair.
Then in the morning, I had to head back to my school carrying a giant monkey back with me. I tried to draw as little attention to myself as possible, so naturally my body chose this moment to fall asleep on the train and get yelled at by the conductor lady person.
Ever since that night, Manny and I have left no bases uncovered. Nothing too kinky, but we’ve explored all the basics and then some. He’s male and I’m hypersexual; what else do you expect? This has been my most sexually detailed post so far, so I might as well exhaust my supply of nightly tales leading up to now while I’m at it. I want my future entries to be clean again!
- He’s gotten much better after that first night, in case you’re wondering.
- We did it once while Benji was sleeping in the same small room. I think that was the only time I initially said no because I was scared we would wake him up. I had to bite my lips hard to keep quiet.
- If I were a boy, I would definitely be the uke of the pair. Utterly submissive to the core. :Db All I want is to satisfy him.
- Strangely, though, he has NEVER been able to bring me to orgasm. I’ve gotten close several times but nope. (And then that one time, when he got me so close but then his mother called…!) Yet, it doesn’t bother me at all! Up to now, at least. Now that I’m off my meds… we’ll see. Boy expert Elaina says that when they’re all worked up, boys are crazy and agitated like rabid dogs. That’s where their orgasms come in. It literally sedates them. Manny always gets super sleepy afterward.
- I’m a screamer, according to Manny’s neighbors.
- And mine. -///-
- Dirty talk is surprisingly fun! Especially since I have a high and innocent-sounding voice, which I think enhances the erotic factor for him. :P We only did that like once or twice but I liked it.
- We’ve, um, gone through his entire bag of condoms. He has a recovery time of only 30 minutes so we always go twice in a night.
- Except for that one night we had sex three times. He usually can’t last longer than 5-10 minutes the first round but holy crap, he can last forever by round three. Porn stars, I don’t know how you do it.
- His libido is not nearly as high as mine, but my mere scent drives him crazy. For me, all it takes is for him to lightly stroke my left waist area and his fingers leave a trail of tiny electric shocks down my side.
- Apparently I’m not very skilled with my mouth, if you know what I mean. I’ve spent many hours sitting in Elaina’s room hearing her tips and awkwardly watching her suck off a pencil as a demonstration.
- …but I ALWAYS swallow like a good girl.
- He refuses to kiss me after I swallow, though. Understandable, but still. ):
- The taste isn’t terrible. It always has a hint of bitterness to it, and it gets more/less bitter depending on what he had eaten/drank earlier. It was especially bitter after that time he had alcohol in his system, and slightly less bitter after he had drank some sort of fruit juice. Certain fruits and vegetables are supposed to sweeten it, but he is unfortunately allergic, grrrrrrrr.
- We’ve even done the unofficial fifth base. Hey, I said I was submissive! That means I’m up for anything as long as he wants it. My friends were especially interested in learning about that experience, since you always hear about boyfriends pressuring their girls to try it out. We’ve done it three times, and even though IT IS SUPPOSED TO HURT LIKE FUCK, there was no pain. Not even the first time. o.O Is there something wrong with me that prevents me from feeling pain? There was a tiny bit of discomfort the first time but I wouldn’t say it hurt. (Afterwards is another story. Couldn’t sit right for the next few days lololol.) He also… didn’t ask me for permission. He just went for it. But he made sure his actions were slow and deliberate so that I knew what was going on and that I could stop him if I wanted to. We’re both very physical people so we usually communicate our wants with actions instead of words. Also. HE. DID. NOT. HAVE. LUBE. Nor did he prep me for it, really. Why the hell did it not hurt???? I admit I used to read my fair share of boyxboy fic and there’s always a ton of prepping beforehand. We used lube the second time and it didn’t make that much of a difference. :/
- (I scream the loudest during fifth base, fyi. -///- So loud, in fact, that one of his neighbors tweeted about it and that guy’s roommate sent Manny a text saying not cool, he’s trying to sleep.)
- (Confession: it is actually amazing omg.)
Now that I’ve established that I am an extremely sexual being who disguises herself as an innocent little girl and I will never speak of such activities in this journal again, I shall continue.
It seems like things should be all smooth sailing from here. We were essentially friends with benefits who actually had feelings for each other. I was supposed to continue liking him in this way without the involvement of any super serious emotions.
Not at all.
Come February, I would fall more deeply than I wanted to this early in a relationship — and I wouldn’t go down without a fight.
Until next time,
~ Mimi >_>