smile, my dear

I am no longer allowed to flail over Tegoshi’s beauty.

DON’T GET ME WRONG, I still love him and the rest of NEWS. I just can’t spazz over how beautiful he or Yuuko or anyone else is.

But I will continue to flail and fangirl, don’t you worry, journal! NEWS still has my support. I’m just… well, I shall explain in the Real Life section. ^–^

I’m not sure if it’s because there isn’t as much information floating around or if I’ve just been MIA internet-wise, but has there been a curious lack of reports on Tegomass’s 3rd live? And by reports, I mean information in any form, whether photographic, auditory, or written. Especially photographic. I’m not entirely sure what all of their outfits look like, except for Tegoshi’s all-white ensemble and Massu’s sparkles and the bear-eared short-sleeved hoodies.

I think it’s because I haven’t been as stalker-ish as I was before. A few months ago I would stalk both Japanese and foreign fans for any NEWS-/Tegomass-related info I could get my hands on. I have found a few reports and saw some news footage or two, but not much beyond that.

I DO know that Shige and Nakamaru visited one con and Koyama recently came alone to another! And that Cheerleader Yuuko made her debut and supposedly looked stunning! But no photos of her, boo. ;__;

I think I’ve been keeping up with most of the major NEWS news. Uhm…

    • Koyama’s drama Lucky Seven
    • Shige’s novel Pink and Grey
    • Shige’s official name change
    • Tegomass’s radio show
    • Tegoshi and his various Itte Q adventures
    • Tegoshi in the Hotaru no Hikari movie and Deka Wanko SP
    • Massu and… er…

Does Massu have anything?

If not, then that’s sad for Massu. ): But as for me, I’m more than satisfied with all the lovely group cross-talks and photoshoots we’ve had lately. Their group dynamic has improved, don’t you think? We’ll be seeing them really soon during the Johnny’s Countdown, which will be their first appearance before an audience as NEWS in a long time.

In eager anticipation of this new NEWS, I *finally* got around to changing the header of this journal! And yes, I intentionally placed camwhore Tego-bear closest to the camera and poor Shige-bear way in the back. ^vv^

. . .

How in the world did I land myself a hot guy?

Erm. Let’s try this again in a less superficial way.

Mannyyyyyyyyyyy. Such a lovely human being of internal substance. ♥

I used to be a bitter bitch when it came to romance. Haha, okay, that’s a bit of an overstatement. It’s more accurate to say that I would side-eye people who were all stupid-happy-bubbly-sighing because of their significant other. I just didn’t understand the emotional aspect of it because I never experienced anything stronger than an unrequited crush and thus dubbed it silly. Yeah, even though I write mainly for the romance genre.

That was before I… got a boyfriend.

AHHHH I KNOW I CAN’T BELIEVE IT EITHER.

The process of the two of us finding each other wasn’t that long, but it was pretty complicated, somewhat movie-cliche, and required some trial-and-error. But I will tell the story anyway because I want to remember my first relationship ever, even if it eventually ends badly. #pessimist

(Forgive my use of hashtags; Manny said I’m not funny at all and so I took that as a challenge and became a Twitter comedian. So far — damn him, he’s right.)

(Also, my new friend Tangy finds it to be a cute and chick-flicky story, as demonstrated through her reactions that she typed out on Facebook instead of expressing them out loud while I was verbally telling the tale in front of her:

Awww yeah, look at those fantastic censoring skillz.)

Actually, I think I’ll hold out on the story for the next entry. I spent two and a half hours telling the long tale to friends so it deserves to have its own post, possibly in short story form if I’m feeling not too lazy. I’ll write about Manny himself today. :D

For once, I know the guy’s feelings are genuine. It wasn’t love at first sight (which I believe is utter bullshit), meaning that he doesn’t like me only for my face — his initial reaction to me was that he thought I was a little chubby and weird. He started liking me a little over a month after we met, around the time of my hospitalization and after he got to know me. And he really knows me, since I had told him every one of my dark thoughts and he even calmed me down over the phone during a particularly bad period of my Sadness. I can honestly say he saved me from something terrible.

Even after knowing how messed up I can be, he still likes me. No — he said he likes me because of my flaws. Unbelievable, isn’t it? You know that KAT-TUN song, the one that translates to “I love the you that you hate”? That’s it, describes his feelings perfectly. I had even asked him why he likes me because there’s really not much appealing about me.

He said the generic things that most guys will say, that I’m smart and nice. But then he said something surprising: He likes that I’m insecure. He likes my vulnerability, my total lack of confidence in myself, that constant apparent need to be taken care of. I always unconsciously push him away and distance myself from him whenever he steps too close, and he likes that. He likes that I’m hard to get. I don’t chase him like the other girls do. I make him work.

What a masochistic weirdo.

But the moral of the story is there’s hope for everyone! If I can find someone who likes me for who I am, then every lonely person in the world can surely find their special someone too. :)

Now, what’s HE like?

We’re complete opposites in personality and looks. I am relatively fair-skinned and chubby-cheeked and just squishy all over. -___- He has a dark complexion and beautifully sculpted cheekbones and a beautiful body and sexy arms (from tennis, American football, and lightweight wrestling) and lovely hair that he keeps in a fauxhawk and the longest eyelashes that curl on their own. SIGH.

I have questioned if I only like him because he’s beautiful — because to me he really really is — but then I would remember the physical ache beneath my chest and the warmth that fills my belly and the uncontrollable smile that my lips form at the very thought of him, and I just know appearance isn’t the only factor. That has never happened before in my nineteen years of living.

He is… rather like Tegoshi LOL. Before you judge, that totally isn’t why I like him. He’s not quite self-centered like Tegoshi, but he’s the most shameless person I’ve ever met. He doesn’t get embarrassed, ever. And he’s a bit conceited, close to cocky. Okay, that’s a lie, he’s totally the cockiest person I have ever met. He oozes confidence with every action. And it’s weirdly not annoying. He loooves his mother but doesn’t talk about his dad much. He likes that I’m feminine and ladylike and I tend to speak politely. His voice is kinda high for a guy, especially when he laughs/giggles. He giggles a lot, usually when he’s in bed with me — AND I MEAN THAT IN THE MOST INNOCENT WAY POSSIBLE. -///- He just loves tickling me because I despise being tickled and he finds my involuntary overreactions funny.

Aside from being Tegoshi-like, he’s just an interesting person overall. He can be such a typical American guy at times, in the sports and gaming areas in particular. He swears like a sailor when he’s around his boys, and it’s even worse while he’s playing games. Unfortunately, my language is the most easily influenced part of me, and once he noticed that he was rubbing off on me in my vocabulary, he promised to tone it down when I’m around. (Lies.)

He is a workaholic in both his schoolwork and his job, which nicely complements my lethargy and utter laziness. He deactivated his Facebook for the whole semester to focus on school (he spent most of that time playing games instead, though). Then, a few days ago, that crazy guy worked 18 hours at his job as an impact and model at Abercrombie & Fitch. I’ve visited him at work, and after watching him be so quick and efficient compared to his coworkers (and then doing it for EIGHTEEN HOURS), no wonder they offered to promote him to manager (which he declined because of school).

There’s also more to this guy than meets the eye. His exterior is one of someone totally chill and relaxed. But early on in our days of getting to know each other, back when I was deeply suffering from depression and didn’t know it, he revealed to me a darker side to him that I never would have guessed he had. From what I could gather, something significant happened in his past that changed him and hurt him badly, and now he goes through life wearing this mask of aloofness. It’s a defense mechanism that keeps people from knowing the real him. If they don’t know his weaknesses, they can’t hurt him.

Except… he drops that mask when he’s with me. Partially, at least, more so than he does with most people. He said there’s something about me that brings out the real him. He can be honest when he’s talking to me, and I know this is the truth because we’ve had some weirdly candid conversations during each of our nightly sessions together.

Oh. <3 We make such an odd pair but I love it.

Such a pity that this is a forbidden romance that can’t end well.

Sometimes I also wonder if I like him so much because I know he’s exactly
what my parents do not want for their only daughter. :P It’s all a matter of skin color for them, as Manny has dark skin that makes me smile when I look down at our interlaced fingers and see the stark contrast in color, and that is NOT okay with the parental units. When we first met I initially thought he was black lolol. He is Indian but he acts so… American, which is ambiguous and stupid to say but it’s the best description of him. His behavior is a bizarre blend of ghetto and preppy white boy.

My new good friend/sex advisor Sherry suggests that I learn Hindi and then emancipate myself from my family if they disapprove.

These are the kinds of people I attract. >___>

And then there’s his parents. Well, his mom at least, since his dad situation is tricky and I hesitate to ask him about that. He’s Muslim, and I know that some strict Muslim parents don’t let their children date non-Muslims. So if both his mother and my parents disapprove of this relationship, does that mean we have a bit of a Romeo and Juliet complex going on here? :D Nah, he said that his mom would love me because I’m a good girl and my school has a good reputation. And his past 5 or so girlfriends are all white so I doubt they’re Muslin either.

Speaking of Romeo and Juliet, I’ve been searching for a song that best fits our type of romance, YES I AM A SAP. So far, it’s a three-way tie between Taylor Swift’s “Love Story,” “At the Beginning” from Anastasia, and Paramore’s “The Only Exception.” I think Love Story might be winning but let’s just hope we don’t meet the same fate as R&J, hmm?

As for what this mystery man looks like… it’s probably immoral to post a picture of him in a public journal, right? Especially since I take these pictures without his knowledge. (Hey, IN MY DEFENSE he does the same to me when we’re on webcam so I should think we’re even.) It also doesn’t help that the picture I have is one of him in the middle of getting dressed for work. Oh. Haha. Funny story about that.

Laureen [looking at the picture]: Why is he taking off his pants?
Me: Oh no, he’s actually putting them back on.
Laureen:

Me: That’s not helping things, is it.

Ah, why not, let’s post a small photo anyway… after I run it through a few filters to make him somewhat less distinguishable and myself feel less guilty.

I may be a tiiiiny bit biased but I find him so unbelievably beautiful. ♥ Too beautiful, even. I walked into Abercrombie yesterday and when I saw him standing there immersed in his work, he actually took my breath away. I don’t feel worthy of being with such a creature. I feel grubby. Not nearly pretty enough for him. It also doesn’t help that he weighs twenty pounds fewer than I do and that makes me super self-conscious whenever he touches my bare skin. He has not an ounce of fat on him, seriously. -__-

Oh, I want to see him so badly! I don’t think I’ll be able to be with him for quite a while, likely not until my winter break is over because my parents will kill both of us if they find out that I even know him. That’s not until the 23rd of January, wahhhh. D: Can I go back to college now, please? At least back there I had the freedom to leave every weekend to go see him, or even just leave in general. I can’t really visit him at the mall where he works anymore because my parents are getting suspicious about why I keep asking to go there alone.

I’m hoping that second semester will be much better than the first, socially and academically. I do feel much better regarding my depression, but is it really gone? I forgot to take my medication for four days. Judging by the major withdrawal symptoms I suffered from, that was a dumb thing to do. Were they withdrawal symptoms or was it the original depression? I don’t like being so dependent on my medicine… but it’s for the best.

In the meantime, I need to find ways to entertain myself. So far I’ve been doing nothing but playing indie games and trying to get into writing again. Come on, self, you need to be productive!

Until next time,

~ Mimi ;)

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