a disturbance in the cosmos

I’ll be honest. I didn’t shed a single tear when I learned about NEWS. Still have yet to do so. But I no longer feel like ripping my soul out whenever my iPod slides into a NEWS-6 song, though I will likely skip it.

I was one of those fans stuck in that in-between place of almost expecting it to happen soon but not quite believing that it would actually happen.

I just felt numb for the rest of the day. And the subsequent days. Right before I found out, I had woken up to work on a paper due that day. But when I saw the news, I just couldn’t bring myself to write the stupid paper. Ended up turning it in way late because I lost all motivation to work on it.

But that was forever ago and I’m more accepting of it now. I hate how much of a realist I can be but I still have doubts about the future success of NEWS-4. But I’ll be with them every step of the way! They can finally all gather for photoshoots now. :DDD

And look! Tegomasu no Mahou!

It arrived in my mailbox right after I got back from the hospital. ^-^ I’m in a rush to get this entry done so I can do homework so I’ll just say this quickly: Yuki Daruma, Mahou no Melody, and Hanabi are my favorite tracks. <3 Mr. Freedom is probably my least favorite, just because I’m a total English snob and I don’t like the use of English phrases in Japanese songs. Me being picky. :)

Also.

HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY TO TEGOSHI YUYA!

Late as usual but this is nothing new from me. I gush about this fellow way too often so I shall refrain from doing that now. Just know that I still love him, haha.

And because she’s fandom-related :D —

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY TO SUPERKESHIGOMU!

I think you’re seventeen. Correct me if I’m wrong. I actually had been working on a gift for you for months but then college started and I lost my sanity and… yeah. Busy times. I will finish it once I return home to retrieve some more cotton and you will receive it for Christmas instead!

. . .

(Entry written pre-hospitalization so I’ll talk as if this happened then. Mental hospital tales will come after I write this 7-page essay. -___-)

If it wasn’t official the twenty times I said this before then it’s official now: I will someday end up allowing a rapist to lead me into an alley and later dispose of my body in a landfill.

It seems impossible for me to not know, but it wasn’t until lately did I see the extent of my utter cluelessness and inexperience.

HE WAS WELL ON HIS WAY TO GETTING ME INTO HIS BED AND I DIDN’T REALIZE IT OH GOD.

Oh hang on. He did get me into his bed. WITH HIM.

You are surely wondering two things by this point now: This is not Mimi who are you and what the hell is going on, and Is there someone in the world who’s THAT stupid?

You’re looking at her, darlin’.

You see, Saturday, October 1 was a day of many boys: Manny and Benji, meeting their old friends from high school, getting to know the boys of their college, Cappa’s on/off boyfriend, reuniting with Dathan (whom I haven’t seen since the 8th grade! :O) — oh, too much testosterone to handle in one short Saturday. @__@

…and then there was Micah.

I’ll go into this newcomer later in this entry because I want to get the ordinary things from that day out of the way first.

I had made my way into the bustling city once again for yet another college event. Hey, I love this school but if I stay here all the time I’ll go crazy. Crazier, I mean. The city is my time of release.

Met up with my three Boston friends — Benji, Manny, and Cappa — and headed off to the event. It was a typical college thing, jammed with vendors advertising things and giving away free stuff and offering sign-ups for special offers. Nothing new. Manny left the event with a backpackful of energy drinks because that’s what college kids live on.

This one was a pretty large event, though, and it included stage performances from local celebrities as well as concerts from really famous ones. :D They held a fashion show at one point and Cappa was actually supposed to walk the runway for that, but she’s such a good friend that she decided not to in order to spend the day with me. ♥

Then there were the little competitions that took place on stage or on the ground in the middle of a crowd. Benji and Manny tried out a dance competition, oh those boys. There was also a contest in which total strangers had to make out on stage, and the best pair won free tickets for something presumably expensive. -_____-

I got to see Dathan for the first time in 5 years! (By the way, this is a legitimate name on babynames.com, not just one of my crappy made-up ones when I can’t think of an alias. I checked. It still sounds incredibly silly but nothing else suits his real name. Sorry, man. :P) We used to hang out in middle school before going our own ways, each to our respective single-sex schools. I know I’ve mentioned how I have trouble talking to guys, but I grew up with this kid and I used to be around him a lot back during my tomboy days and so I’m fine with talking to him now. Online, that is.

I struck up an out-of-the-blue convo with him via Facebook chat in hopes that by talking to a boy I’m already comfortable talking to, I’ll learn how to better talk to these two new guys in my life, as well as any future boys.

Me: hey dathan, you busy right now?

Dathan: i just finished my calc
lucky you
lol whatsup?

Me: nothing, just trying to learn how to talk to guys
figured i’d start with someone i’m more comfortable talking to

Dathan: i see

Me: so hi

Dathan: you interested in some one now huh ;P
Hi

Me: haha am i that obvious?

(I have a horrible habit of switching from ~flawless typing skills~ to purposely making mistakes in my sentences, depending on who I’m talking to. It took me the longest time to get used to leaving out terminal punctuation and uncapitalizing “I.” And OH, the comma splices I’ve forced myself to do lately because people don’t seem to like periods very much. Judge me if you want but I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY DAMMIT. D:)

Dathan, as it turned out, is still as sweet as ever — and he even lost (outwardly, at least) the perverted mind and immaturity that he had in adolescence. He’s so kind that he ended up becoming like my 10th therapist, with me pouring my heart out to him for hours at a time. And it was nice, because up until then I had only told women my problems and I got to see things from a guy’s POV. He gave me great advice, particularly relationship ones, being a guy himself and having had six girlfriends before, that playboy. It was so typically boyish of him to think it’s hot that I like girls -___-, though he is dead set against me getting my first kiss from anyone other than a boy.

No guarantees, man. ;D

We had arranged to meet up at that college event. That turned out to be a bit difficult because we haven’t seen each other in so many years, and I had changed a ton in the past year alone, never mind the past five years. When I spotted him in the crowd, I ran up to him and gave all 6’3″ of him the gigantic hug l had promised.

I was fine talking to him online. But how did I fare in real life after the hug?

Erm… yeah, that didn’t go so well.

After I introduced him to my new friends, I stood there and stared creepily at him while they talked to each other. And I wasn’t being subtle about it either, since he’s exactly one foot taller than me and I had to crane my neck up. I knew deep down that this is just my childhood friend and I had no reason to fear, but I got irrationally intimidated by him for the five minutes we met and couldn’t say a word. On Facebook afterward he told me me I seemed entirely normal but of course I can’t believe that.

The moment Dathan left, Manny turned to us and blurted, “Daaamn, that is the sexiest Asian I have ever met.” Even more surprisingly, Benji agreed with, “I know, and he’s even taller than me!”

For the rest of the day, any time the topic of Dathan came up those guys would refer to him as “that sexy Asian” or “Mimi’s really hot friend.”

They’re straight, I swear. :P They just like to mess around with the rest of us by implying that they do unspeakable things to each other when we’re out of the room. And, haha, I watched Manny have this following exchange with a friend in the hall:

Manny: Hey, man, I love your chest.
Random fella: Thanks. You have a beautiful jawline.

Is this normal? :P

I’m learning to love these boys like they’re the big brothers I never had. Manny especially is acting big-brother-ish. Even though I’m half a year older than Manny and a full year older than Benji. It’s just kinda weird (incestuous?) because Benny and I had just gotten over our infatuation with each other. We’re destined to be friends and that’s all.

It also doesn’t help that I think Manny is really beautiful too. Yeah, basically in my eyes everyone is gorgeous except me. >___>

But anyway. They’re right about Dathan. I wasn’t expecting my childhood friend to have grown to be so good looking, and he doesn’t look striking at all in his Facebook pictures so I had only been expecting a bigger version of my 8th grade buddy. So that was a pleasant surprise.

Super sweet, understanding, funny, loyal, smart (waitlisted at MIT, danggg), AND physically attractive? Did I also mention that he cooks and almost single-handedly takes care of his one-year-old brother and plays piano and is into Asian entertainment? Crap, I’m gonna end up falling for this guy hard if we proceed with our speech therapy sessions like we’d planned. He’s only complicating the situation by repeatedly mentioning that he wouldn’t mind if I dated him and that he could give me my first kiss (“I can either pick you up and wrap my hands around your waist or you can be on your tippy toes and I’ll move down a bit” @_@; he totally put this image in my head on purpose because he knows I have a huge crush on him) and that I’d make a cute girlfriend, even after he learned that I’m as messed up as a person can possibly be.

Oh, boys. Let’s just lock myself up in my dorm room and never talk to them again, how’s that sound? Dathan was like “Nooooooooooo” when I mentioned this plan to him, but let’s face it. It’s no loss to the men out there, believe me.

Soooo. Moving on to this Micah I mentioned earlier.

Micah is kind of a scene boy. I’ve never met a scene kid before (except for cousin Ame but I never see her) and my first time was… interesting, to say the least. I’d thought it was just a stereotype but apparently not! He has the typical side-swept scene hair, brown and thick. Not dyed, though. He said he used to straighten it every day but he stopped because it made him feel like a girl. His glasses make him look ultra nerdy and not very pretty, but when he takes them off and gets real close to you (I’ll explain how this happened in a while but it involves my naivete and lack of judgement), he has these most gorgeous chocolate brown eyes, omg. He’s really good looking in general; you just can’t tell unless he takes off those glasses. My friend Elaina is infatuated with him.

He’s not the type of boy you would imagine me associating with at all. He skateboards. Listens to angry death metal screamy music. Wears women’s skinny jeans because he’s so thin and tall that men’s jeans don’t fit right on him. o.O Has that ear gauge thing most scene kids have. Does not drink soda at all. :O

That last one isn’t associated with scene kids but bear with me. :P

Cappa and I met him in the halls. He lives in the dorm across from Manny and Benji. He was with two friends, a boy and a girl, and the two men were evidently shocked that the girl had never kissed a boy before. When I piped up and said I haven’t either, their heads swiveled over to me and their faces just read “holy crap no way.”

Micah got so curious about me then. He kept asking me questions about my life and I gave him whatever he desired to know — and it became pretty clear to everyone that I was no ordinary girl. Haha, during dinner I got a bit annoyed that they kept talking about kissing boys boys boys and this little outburst came out of me: “Does it have to be a boy?”

That shocked them into silence for a minute.

He got so into it, asking me questions and me responding with something controversial. :P We moved from the dining area, to Manny and Benji’s room, and finally to his room.

He was teaching me how to be more comfortable around boys and so I didn’t think much of it when he asked me to sit with him on his bed. I also didn’t think much of it when he encouraged me to hold his hand, cuddle with him, and let him pull me down until we were both lying in bed together. I really thought he was doing this all to teach me HOW to do these things in the future. Yes. That’s how naive I am.

Manny came in at one point, stared at us for a second, then left wordlessly. Later, Cappa came in and informed me that Manny wanted to talk to me for a second. Wondered what that was all about. :/

Back in Manny and Benji’s room, both of them told me to be careful with Micah. Because just the day before, Micah had been saying how all he wanted was a one night stand.

At first I was offended that they would think I was so easy like that. I even exclaimed at them indignantly, “I’m not going to sleep with him! What kind of person do you think I am? >:(”

Then I stopped. Thought about it. Lost all color in my face. And leaned against Benji’s bed, put my head in my arms, and moaned, “How was I so stupid?”

Because after hearing from Manny that Micah might have had an ulterior motive, it all clicked. All his actions of the past hour or two. He was trying to be my first everything. He had gotten close enough (mere centimeters away) to steal a kiss — and he probably would have too, if Cappa hadn’t come in and told me that Manny wanted to talk to me.

He was touching me, journal. No no no no, not anywhere bad, don’t get me wrong. >///< But while I was all snuggled up against him he would slowly trace his fingers along my forearm. Stroke my legs, hips, stomach, waist. Tickle me, maybe just to hear my involuntary squeals. It did make me uncomfortable at first, but I still figured that he was only trying to help my social anxiety so I let him. But after Manny pulled me aside, I had a hard time seeing his actions as helpful.

The warning bells really started sounding later, after I returned to Micah from Manny and told him that I had to leave. He got a bit suspicious, asked if Manny had said something to me. Well, he did but I couldn’t let Micah know that I was kind of scared of him now. Instead, I just said that the boys had pointed out that I should leave before it gets too late.

Micah… almost insisted that I should stay with him for the night. Or at least for a little longer and he’ll walk me back to my bus. If it weren’t for Manny’s warnings, I would have agreed to it. After all, Micah had been so nice to me the entire day and gave me so much of his undivided attention that I had no reason to distrust him. Which was why I was willing to let him do whatever it was he had done to me that day.

Well. Was it him being nice? Or was he being manipulative because he wanted something from me?

I should have known by the way he was so interested in my life, my personality, the intriguing way in which my brain operates. I thought he was fascinated because I am surely one of a kind in my disposition. But according to Manny, he was asking all these questions to get to know what kind of girl I am. And I pretty much had told him that I am insecure as hell, totally innocent, and a definite challenge.

Perhaps Micah likes challenges.

BUT — this is where it gets complicated.

Manny later informed me he had gone to have a man-to-man chat with Micah about me. Manny asked what’s the deal, what do you want from Mimi, I’m gonna put you in the hospital if you hurt her, etc. I was touched that Manny cared so much about my safety, but…

My life would have been much easier if Micah really had just wanted a one night stand. But it turned out he really liked me. REALLY liked me. And that freaked me out to no end because I don’t like him as more than a friend. I’m way too nice to outright reject him so I had to drop subtle hints the next time I visited. Uhh, more about that another time. -__-

Are the stars in some kind of bizarre arrangement right now? Where is all this sudden male attention coming from, really? I definitely prefer it when they ignored my existence. Or even viewed me as a friend and didn’t ponder anything beyond that. Back then, things made sense. They were supposed to ignore me because I made myself as inconspicuous as possible. You know me well by now, journal. After three years of #foreveralone stories and countless fruitless crushes and school dominating every aspect of my life, I end up at this point just a month after college started — a point where I don’t have time to write about school life at all because things like this are in the way. I am not bragging, honestly I’m not! D: Why would I brag about being so inexperienced that it’s a downright hazard to my safety? Before Micah, I had never even held hands with a guy. That’s just sad, okay? TT-TT

The weirdness had all started with best-guy-friend-material Benji, who was initially so taken by me that he actively pursued me through Cappa and Facebook, calling me words like beautiful and perfect and walking me back to my bus stop in the dead of night. After we decided we’re better off as friends, I don’t know what he thinks of me anymore but let’s not ask. I really think I scared him off once he got to know me. :P But yes. He started it all.

The Benji dilemma led me to reuniting with the boy-next-door Dathan, if initially only for advice. “If you want, you can always give me a try”? “I wouldn’t mind if you were my gf. I think you’d make a pretty cute girlfriend”? What’s up with the sudden change of heart in my childhood pal? I think it might be because he hates his college and he’s upset and he’s just looking for something familiar to hold on to. Hence, me. I don’t believe him when he says these things and so I won’t let anything happen, despite my huge crush on him.

Scene kid Micah I only knew for a day, and that only happened because he was so intrigued by my life… yeah, look how that ended up. >___> I had done things with him that I had never done before with people I’d known my entire life. Now he wants to get to know me better? I even asked him outright, “Why me? Why are you so interested even though I keep resisting?” He admitted that at first he thought I was pretty, but then he felt like he was attracted to me for some reason. Guess I was right in assuming he was drawn to how unusual my mind is.

And there is a fourth guy, did I forget to mention? Mhmm, Benji’s ultra-chill roommate, Manny. The occasional pot smoker and late-night drinker/partier who’s also a weirdly dedicated student trying to maintain a 4.0 GPA. I talk to him the most frequently out of all the guys. (Well, next to Dathan, who’s my go-to guy when I’m struggling with life.) I never thought I’d end up having this most sincere heart-to-heart with Manny for — three hours? Oh lord. o.O After a few minutes of him trying to convince me that I’m actually straight (dude, really?), he asked completely out of the blue if I would date him (to which I had cryptically answered, “I’m open to the idea,” because by this point I was sure something weird was going on in the heavens, and because I probably would -__-), and proceeded to inform me 3-4 times that he would, in fact, date me. It’s not a confession, but to think that he had considered it? WHAT?

This was 3 in the morning and he was probably fatigued as heck and didn’t know what he was saying.

WHAT IS GOING ON.

Like with Micah, I’m speculating that they’re all merely intrigued by the concept of me, that’s all. I’m like a mysterious character straight out of a novel: a girl who’s not once done anything with boys, who almost fears them, who appears normal on the outside while being viciously tortured by the monsters within her, and is desperately in need of someone to heal her but is too afraid to let anyone try.

But after three years of me writing in this journal, surely you’ve noticed my annoying tendency to put myself down. Argue that I’m dull and not deserving of anyone’s time and attention. Insist I have no worth as a human being. I swear, this is not some cry for attention or typical teenage emoing. This is how I genuinely feel, all the time. This is also what they call depression, my psychiatrist told me.

And that’s how my lengthy talk with Manny had gone. Three hours of that. It’s my automatic response to almost trash myself because I believe what I’m saying. It’s all I know how to do and so I continue doing it. And it only gets worse.

SIGH.

I don’t want anything else to happen between any of my guy friends and me. Hopefully if I keep resisting they’ll eventually lose interest in me? :/ But if I keep accepting their invitations to hang out every weekend, things are going to get complicated. Dathan wants to meet up soon to work on speech therapy. -___- And he already told me he thinks I’m pretty and that he’s willing to deal with my personality, two very dangerous combinations. Both Benji and Manny had invited me to a college party last Friday night to mother them after they drink themselves into a coma, and THEN sleep over for the night. o.O (I didn’t go to that, by the way, because of that infernal essay.)

Sharing a room with two intoxicated college boys? Yeah… pass.

I want to write an entry about how college itself is going (like stuff about my roommate and friends and how the work is and that time during my writing class when we discussed lolcat and internet memes) instead of focusing on these new and unfamiliar social experiences. Some time soon, I swear!

Until next time,

~ Mimi ;P

P.S. A 4.5k-word entry on boys and what I’ve been doing with them. What will my parents think of me, journal? D:

P.S. (part ii) After coming back from eating air-popped popcorn and tortilla chips in the kitchen, I was working on this entry while on the sofa in the first floor living room of my residence hall at 3 in the morning, sitting in the middle of two college friends:

  • Eleanora, who loves Doctor Who and gives me a hug whenever she sees me and also likes both girls and boys and doesn’t mind when I go all lesbian on her and currently has fanfiction.net open on her laptop and is so freaking eccentric.
  • and Elaina, who has read 300 yaoi manga (do that many even exist :O) and loves anime/manga in general and is giggling at whatever yaoi manga is open on her iPad at the moment and is my mental mirror twin in so many ways and understands me because she’s gone through it all and LITERALLY eats nothing but junk food and fruit and is so unpredictable with her moods but I love her anyway.

Moments like this make me feel like life is all right.

P.S.(part iii)/EDIT: What I imagined my first kiss being like:

  • short
  • sweet
  • shy

What I did not imagine my first kiss being like:

  • everything that actually happened

Ohlordohlordohlord. He KISSED me, journal, he did! And I kissed him back! When I went home and passed out on my bed for eleven hours and then woke up right before class, I had thought it was all a dream.

Then I looked in the mirror.

He was my first kiss but I feel like such a whore walking around with this hickey he left on my neck, even though I KNOW I’d never done anything like this before. >___< It’s much darker in real life too. Some people just think it’s a burn from a curling iron but my neighbor Coraline’s jaw dropped when she saw it because she immediately knew what it was. Asdfghjkl. Please go away before I return home for Thanksgiving or that reunion will not go well.

Oh? Which boy gave me the love bite? That will be a secret for now but he’s one of the ones from this entry~~

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