How would you react to that? Moreover…
How would I react to that?
Allow me to tell you exactly how.
I vehemently deny it. I won’t believe it. In fact, I signed up for this college believing it would be like joining the convent. And I was fine with that, since a romantic relationship would complicate my college life even more. It’s been so long since I’ve last hung out with someone from the male species, and it’s been even longer since a guy showed interest in me beyond friendship. Or sometimes not even to the point of friendship, because I’m notoriously bad at opening up to boys.
He called me beautiful, journal. No boy has ever done that before. Not pretty, which I get sometimes (from girls) but still doubt whenever I look in the mirror. Not cute, which I get often but people also call pigs cute.
Can you see how someone like me will just laugh it off as an April fools joke in September? In fact, I argued with Cappa on the phone for a good 15 minutes over whether she was just cruelly pulling my leg when she first told me everything in a euphoric, breathless rush, even though I know she would never do that to me.
Then some normal school things happened that night and the next day, and somehow this following exchange happened over Facebook chat:
Him: we definitely should! i have a pretty open schedule so yeah whenever you can !
Oh dear God did I just unconsciously asked him out on a date.
Hold on right there. I’m not making any sense. I’ll take this time to back up to how it all began, starting on Saturday, September 10, 2011.
College day at a place in Boston. Admittance with a college ID only, so the place was packed with college students and vendors advertising stuff. I came with two sophomores I met while walking to the bus that goes from my college to the train station, since I missed the earlier bus that most people took and I didn’t want to get hopelessly lost in the very city I grew up in.
I’d arranged to meet with Christa there, but she came late and instead I ran into Sheena, Mickie, and Angel! We exchanged hugs after not seeing each other since graduation, and Angel was so happy to see me that she hugged me a second time.
But this isn’t about them, since they’d been there long before me and were on their way out. After Christa arrived with her boyfriend and we walked around for a bit, we ran into Cappa and her college friends as we were about to leave~
More hugs and introductions, of course. I think Cappa had about 4 or 5 friends with her and I didn’t catch all of the names except for two, Manny and Benji, who are roommates at Christa’s college.
(Haha, I love how obvious my identity would be to my friends because I don’t even try with creative aliases anymore. :P)
The only word I can attribute to Manny is “cool.” He’s a cool guy, that’s all, and I mean that literally too. He has a very aloof demeanor, not once cracking a smile the whole time I was there. He’d even cross the street without using crosswalks or looking both ways. He radiated confidence, teetering on arrogance. I almost felt that he was unfriendly, but somehow I understood that he’s just like this naturally, so I didn’t feel too uncomfortable around him. I still kept my distance, though.
Benji was the polar opposite. He smiled constantly, was pretty loud and chatty, and kept recruiting people he recognized off the streets to join our group. He was very nice to me, though I didn’t talk to him much because, well, we only just met. Heck, it took me forever to get used to Cappa back in high school.
Anyway, Cappa invited me to hang out with her and her group of friends in the city for the day. I hesitated because the last bus back to campus was at 5 and I didn’t want to be stranded there. But I had been dying to see her since graduation and so I agreed, just for a bit.
We arrived at this shopping center place after an hour or so. That was when I told everyone I wanted to head off by myself for a while because I remembered I have some dorm shopping I had to do then. At least, that’s what I told them. In actuality I was just too uncomfortable hanging out with strangers so I needed to get out.
Cappa is such a motherly friend and she would not let me off so easily, not without giving her my phone number first so I can call her when I’m done. She didn’t have her phone on her that day and so told me to give it to Benji instead.
So, basically she was asking me to call a stranger and bother everyone with the task of walking me aaaaaall the way to the train station.
Yeah, not gonna happen. -______- I even took out my phone, scrolled down to Benji’s name, and stared at the green call button for five minutes before letting my anxiety get the better of me.
I left without saying goodbye in person. I thought that was the end of it, done, I won’t see them ever again.
Then I got back to my dorm. Saw Benji’s Facebook friend request sent 6 minutes ago. Wondered about it but didn’t accept yet.
Cappa called right then. Asked me if I got home all right. Received my apologies for dashing off on my own.
Told me that Benji thinks I’m beautiful, wouldn’t stop talking about me, and desperately wants to meet me again.
I’m not lying when I say I nearly fainted right there.
I hadn’t an inkling back in Boston that Benji saw me as someone other than Cappa’s mute high school friend, so when I handed his phone back to him after putting my number in I had jokingly added, “You can delete it after today. We probably won’t ever see each other after this, right?” In fact, I had been trying to remain as distant as possible because I assumed that day was a one-time thing. I could see myself falling for a nice guy like Benji and it would be bad if that happened but we never met again.
I’m scared out of my wits, journal. Mostly of rejection. When Benji first met me I was dolled up as best as I could, with a casually cute outfit (by my standards) and the necessary thousand layers of mascara it takes to fix my messed-up right eye, which I am extremely self-conscious about because the gods cursed me with ONE single lid and it makes my whole face wrong. He told Cappa he doesn’t care if I’m dressed up or in my typical running shorts/t-shirt, with or without makeup.
Sure, he says that now, but clearly this kid has yet to see me on a Monday morning.
We only hung out for an hour. Then I left without saying goodbye because I was too freaking scared to call. Even though I hardly opened my mouth the whole time and acted like the socially weird thing I am, I guess for Benji it was love at first sight. It must have been.
He’s been pursuing me for the past week through Facebook and I’m just sitting here wondering, “What’s wrong with him?”
I want to tell him he’s an idiot for getting himself into this. He’s so outgoing and friendly and talkative and easygoing and… perfect. He’s a complete social butterfly while I’m this awkward little caterpillar, just crawling along the underside of a branch and hoping people won’t see me and flick me off. He seems like a great guy and he seems to like me a lot, but he deserves someone better. I really can’t bear to expose him to my world, to the things that go on in my head, all the self-hate and uncertainty and words I can’t say because people just can’t understand.
I’m fan of the British TV show, Doctor Who. A newish fan, but a fan nonetheless. In the 10th episode of series 6, Amy says some lines that struck me as perfect for what I’m almost certain will happen.
You know when sometimes you meet someone and they’re so… beautiful… and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick. But then there’s other people and you meet them and you think, ‘Not bad, they’re okay.’ And then you get to know them and… and their face sort of… becomes them. Like their personality is written all over it. And they just… they turn into something so beautiful.
I said I was with Benji and his friends for only an hour. And since I didn’t talk to/look at anyone other than Cappa the whole time, doesn’t that mean he fell for my appearance? (Which in itself I find impossible to believe.) After our second meeting he’ll discover that he’ll get more out of talking to a pineapple and that will be the end of things.
And on MY side of things, what if it ends up like the second part of the quote? Truthfully, I don’t think Benji is nearly as physically gorgeous as, say, my writing prof Sergio, but he’s not unattractive by any means. His personality, though…
He’s beautiful inside. I see that. And I do like him somewhat. That’s how it usually is with me: if I fall for the personality, THEN the person becomes physically beautiful to me. Physical attraction is exactly what it sounds like — physical. Shallow. On the surface. It’s helpful for getting something started, but the personality is what really matters, and that’s why I’m terrified of all this.
I’m dull. It’s easier for me to loosen up here under the guise of this journal, but in real life, when I can see your face and your reactions and your eyes judging me picking me apart hating me please please don’t hate me please stop don’t look at me I CAN’T DO THIS—
The first time he sent me a message, I panicked and posted something unintelligible on his wall instead and quickly exited Facebook because I didn’t know how to keep a conversation going.
The second instance, I was already messaging Cappa at the time and I distinctly remember typing to her, “CRAP CRAP CRAP HE MESSAGED ME WHAT DO I DO HEEEELP. WAIT I SHOULD PROBABLY SAY HI FIRST.” She coached me through the 45-minute conversation and I guess she was messaging Benji simultaneously because she kept letting me know the cute bits of what he was telling her about me. She helped ease my nerves a bit, but I still spent the entire conversation blushing with a towel clutched to my face.
The third time, the two of us ended up talking for over two hours, stopping only because it was past midnight and Benji had an 8 o’clock class, that poor soul. I had spazzed out as usual when he initiated the conversation, but the more time I spent talking to him, the easier it became, until I realized with a jolt that by the end of the session, I was almost comfortable with him. Almost. Which is an accomplishment!
I could talk to him for only a short while the fourth time because I needed to work on a psychology paper. Of course, Cappa messaged me shortly after Benji did and I ended up talking to her much longer than I should have. It somehow turned into a counseling session from there, with me telling her basically all the woes I’m writing here. I didn’t realize that she was talking to Benji too until she told me to go do my essay, even though I hadn’t mentioned it to her.
Before I could sign off, she sent me a snippet of an exchange she’d just had with Benji, something that haunted me the ENTIRE TIME I was working on my essay:
he wrote me just now: i thought i was never gonna find someone …
and then i wrote: but you did and she’s beautiful
and he wrote: I KNOW
Keep in mind that this is just one of many instances in which he said something of the sort. I really don’t understand what’s going on in his head. When he calls me pretty I don’t believe him. If he insists then I’ll believe him for a minute.
After that minute, I’ll go back to believing I’m God’s greatest screw-up.
It’s just UNREAL. How is this happening to me? Me, of all people. Ironic, isn’t it, that an issue like this comes up mere few weeks after I entered the supposed nunnery that is a women’s college.
Speaking of nunneries and people who believe my school is one (pfffffft NO), I was talking to The Pest over the phone and asked him if he thought Mama would prefer me as gay and single or straight with a boyfriend. He chose the former.
Oh man, if she ever finds out that I’ll be making the trip to Boston for a boy… oAo It’ll be the last time you see me, journal.
Even though Cappa insists it’s all happening, I’m not lying when I say I am unable to believe that Benji likes me as much as she claims he does. He’s on my mind more often than I’m willing to admit, and I just can’t imagine him doing the same. As nice as he is, that doesn’t change the fact that I still struggle to have faith in men.
But DAMMIT he’s slowly working to fix that.
He wanted to come here! To see me! I got really nervous about how that would go. Naturally. So I persuaded him to let me come to Boston instead, to which he agreed. So that will happen in a few hours, oh my God.
Oh, but it’s not just the two of us. No way. Benji can tell I’m emotionally fragile (or he heard it all from Cappa) and he asked me to join him with his other friends, including Cappa.
I didn’t get to message him yesterday because I lay down for a quick nap after a long week of school… and I woke up 3 hours ago at 2:30 in the morning instead. >___> Right now I’m typing this up while I wait for my hair to dry from my early morning shower. It’s about dry now so I should head to sleep or else I’m gonna pass out in a dead heap later. I have another party on campus tonight~
(Part of the reason why I won’t let Benji come here is that Cappa wanted to bring him to the dance. Um, not an environment I want to expose to Benji so soon. -///-)
I’ll be sure to update on what happens with Benji (and the party), although if you don’t hear from me after a week just assume it didn’t work out. D:
Ahhhhhhh, I’M SO SCARED.
Until next time,
~ Mimi o///o