When a Boy Calls You Beautiful

How would you react to that? Moreover…

How would I react to that?

Allow me to tell you exactly how.

I vehemently deny it. I won’t believe it. In fact, I signed up for this college believing it would be like joining the convent. And I was fine with that, since a romantic relationship would complicate my college life even more. It’s been so long since I’ve last hung out with someone from the male species, and it’s been even longer since a guy showed interest in me beyond friendship. Or sometimes not even to the point of friendship, because I’m notoriously bad at opening up to boys.

He called me beautiful, journal. No boy has ever done that before. Not pretty, which I get sometimes (from girls) but still doubt whenever I look in the mirror. Not cute, which I get often but people also call pigs cute.

Beautiful.

Can you see how someone like me will just laugh it off as an April fools joke in September? In fact, I argued with Cappa on the phone for a good 15 minutes over whether she was just cruelly pulling my leg when she first told me everything in a euphoric, breathless rush, even though I know she would never do that to me.

Then some normal school things happened that night and the next day, and somehow this following exchange happened over Facebook chat:

Me: if i’m (ever) free we should go explore the city!

Him: we definitely should! i have a pretty open schedule so yeah whenever you can !

Oh dear God did I just unconsciously asked him out on a date.

Hold on right there. I’m not making any sense. I’ll take this time to back up to how it all began, starting on Saturday, September 10, 2011.

College day at a place in Boston. Admittance with a college ID only, so the place was packed with college students and vendors advertising stuff. I came with two sophomores I met while walking to the bus that goes from my college to the train station, since I missed the earlier bus that most people took and I didn’t want to get hopelessly lost in the very city I grew up in.

I’d arranged to meet with Christa there, but she came late and instead I ran into Sheena, Mickie, and Angel! We exchanged hugs after not seeing each other since graduation, and Angel was so happy to see me that she hugged me a second time.

But this isn’t about them, since they’d been there long before me and were on their way out. After Christa arrived with her boyfriend and we walked around for a bit, we ran into Cappa and her college friends as we were about to leave~

More hugs and introductions, of course. I think Cappa had about 4 or 5  friends with her and I didn’t catch all of the names except for two, Manny and Benji, who are roommates at Christa’s college.

(Haha, I love how obvious my identity would be to my friends because I don’t even try with creative aliases anymore. :P)

The only word I can attribute to Manny is “cool.” He’s a cool guy, that’s all, and I mean that literally too. He has a very aloof demeanor, not once cracking a smile the whole time I was there. He’d even cross the street without using crosswalks or looking both ways. He radiated confidence, teetering on arrogance. I almost felt that he was unfriendly, but somehow I understood that he’s just like this naturally, so I didn’t feel too uncomfortable around him. I still kept my distance, though.

Benji was the polar opposite. He smiled constantly, was pretty loud and chatty, and kept recruiting people he recognized off the streets to join our group. He was very nice to me, though I didn’t talk to him much because, well, we only just met. Heck, it took me forever to get used to Cappa back in high school.

Anyway, Cappa invited me to hang out with her and her group of friends in the city for the day. I hesitated because the last bus back to campus was at 5 and I didn’t want to be stranded there. But I had been dying to see her since graduation and so I agreed, just for a bit.

We arrived at this shopping center place after an hour or so. That was when I told everyone I wanted to head off by myself for a while because I remembered I have some dorm shopping I had to do then. At least, that’s what I told them. In actuality I was just too uncomfortable hanging out with strangers so I needed to get out.

Cappa is such a motherly friend and she would not let me off so easily, not without giving her my phone number first so I can call her when I’m done. She didn’t have her phone on her that day and so told me to give it to Benji instead.

So, basically she was asking me to call a stranger and bother everyone with the task of walking me aaaaaall the way to the train station.

Yeah, not gonna happen. -______- I even took out my phone, scrolled down to Benji’s name, and stared at the green call button for five minutes before letting my anxiety get the better of me.

I left without saying goodbye in person. I thought that was the end of it, done, I won’t see them ever again.

Then I got back to my dorm. Saw Benji’s Facebook friend request sent 6 minutes ago. Wondered about it but didn’t accept yet.

Cappa called right then. Asked me if I got home all right. Received my apologies for dashing off on my own.

Told me that Benji thinks I’m beautiful, wouldn’t stop talking about me, and desperately wants to meet me again.

I’m not lying when I say I nearly fainted right there.

I hadn’t an inkling back in Boston that Benji saw me as someone other than Cappa’s mute high school friend, so when I handed his phone back to him after putting my number in I had jokingly added,  “You can delete it after today. We probably won’t ever see each other after this, right?” In fact, I had been trying to remain as distant as possible because I assumed that day was a one-time thing. I could see myself falling for a nice guy like Benji and it would be bad if that happened but we never met again.

I’m scared out of my wits, journal. Mostly of rejection. When Benji first met me I was dolled up as best as I could, with a casually cute outfit (by my standards) and the necessary thousand layers of mascara it takes to fix my messed-up right eye, which I am extremely self-conscious about because the gods cursed me with ONE single lid and it makes my whole face wrong. He told Cappa he doesn’t care if I’m dressed up or in my typical running shorts/t-shirt, with or without makeup.

Sure, he says that now, but clearly this kid has yet to see me on a Monday morning.

We only hung out for an hour. Then I left without saying goodbye because I was too freaking scared to call. Even though I hardly opened my mouth the whole time and acted like the socially weird thing I am, I guess for Benji it was love at first sight. It must have been.

He’s been pursuing me for the past week through Facebook and I’m just sitting here wondering, “What’s wrong with him?”

I want to tell him he’s an idiot for getting himself into this. He’s so outgoing and friendly and talkative and easygoing and… perfect. He’s a complete social butterfly while I’m this awkward little caterpillar, just crawling along the underside of a branch and hoping people won’t see me and flick me off. He seems like a great guy and he seems to like me a lot, but he deserves someone better. I really can’t bear to expose him to my world, to the things that go on in my head, all the self-hate and uncertainty and words I can’t say because people just can’t understand.

I’m fan of the British TV show, Doctor Who. A newish fan, but a fan nonetheless. In the 10th episode of series 6, Amy says some lines that struck me as perfect for what I’m almost certain will happen.

You know when sometimes you meet someone and they’re so… beautiful… and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick. But then there’s other people and you meet them and you think, ‘Not bad, they’re okay.’ And then you get to know them and… and their face sort of… becomes them. Like their personality is written all over it. And they just… they turn into something so beautiful.

I said I was with Benji and his friends for only an hour. And since I didn’t talk to/look at anyone other than Cappa the whole time, doesn’t that mean he fell for my appearance? (Which in itself I find impossible to believe.) After our second meeting he’ll discover that he’ll get more out of talking to a pineapple and that will be the end of things.

And on MY side of things, what if it ends up like the second part of the quote? Truthfully, I don’t think Benji is nearly as physically gorgeous as, say, my writing prof Sergio, but he’s not unattractive by any means. His personality, though…

He’s beautiful inside. I see that. And I do like him somewhat. That’s how it usually is with me: if I fall for the personality, THEN the person becomes physically beautiful to me. Physical attraction is exactly what it sounds like — physical. Shallow. On the surface. It’s helpful for getting something started, but the personality is what really matters, and that’s why I’m terrified of all this.

I’m dull. It’s easier for me to loosen up here under the guise of this journal, but in real life, when I can see your face and your reactions and your eyes judging me picking me apart hating me please please don’t hate me please stop don’t look at me I CAN’T DO THIS

The first time he sent me a message, I panicked and posted something unintelligible on his wall instead and quickly exited Facebook because I didn’t know how to keep a conversation going.

The second instance, I was already messaging Cappa at the time and I distinctly remember typing to her, “CRAP CRAP CRAP HE MESSAGED ME WHAT DO I DO HEEEELP. WAIT I SHOULD PROBABLY SAY HI FIRST.” She coached me through the 45-minute conversation and I guess she was messaging Benji simultaneously because she kept letting me know the cute bits of what he was telling her about me. She helped ease my nerves a bit, but I still spent the entire conversation blushing with a towel clutched to my face.

The third time, the two of us ended up talking for over two hours, stopping only because it was past midnight and Benji had an 8 o’clock class, that poor soul. I had spazzed out as usual when he initiated the conversation, but the more time I spent talking to him, the easier it became, until I realized with a jolt that by the end of the session, I was almost comfortable with him. Almost. Which is an accomplishment!

I could talk to him for only a short while the fourth time because I needed to work on a psychology paper. Of course, Cappa messaged me shortly after Benji did and I ended up talking to her much longer than I should have. It somehow turned into a counseling session from there, with me telling her basically all the woes I’m writing here. I didn’t realize that she was talking to Benji too until she told me to go do my essay, even though I hadn’t mentioned it to her.

Before I could sign off, she sent me a snippet of an exchange she’d just had with Benji, something that haunted me the ENTIRE TIME I was working on my essay:

he wrote me just now: i thought i was never gonna find someone …
and then i wrote: but you did and she’s beautiful
and he wrote: I KNOW

O_____________________________________O

Keep in mind that this is just one of many instances in which he said something of the sort. I really don’t understand what’s going on in his head. When he calls me pretty I don’t believe him. If he insists then I’ll believe him for a minute.

After that minute, I’ll go back to believing I’m God’s greatest screw-up.

It’s just UNREAL. How is this happening to me? Me, of all people. Ironic, isn’t it, that an issue like this comes up mere few weeks after I entered the supposed nunnery that is a women’s college.

Speaking of nunneries and people who believe my school is one (pfffffft NO), I was talking to The Pest over the phone and asked him if he thought Mama would prefer me as gay and single or straight with a boyfriend. He chose the former.

Oh man, if she ever finds out that I’ll be making the trip to Boston for a boy… oAo It’ll be the last time you see me, journal.

Even though Cappa insists it’s all happening, I’m not lying when I say I am unable to believe that Benji likes me as much as she claims he does. He’s on my mind more often than I’m willing to admit, and I just can’t imagine him doing the same. As nice as he is, that doesn’t change the fact that I still struggle to have faith in men.

But DAMMIT he’s slowly working to fix that.

He wanted to come here! To see me! I got really nervous about how that would go. Naturally. So I persuaded him to let me come to Boston instead, to which he agreed. So that will happen in a few hours, oh my God.

Oh, but it’s not just the two of us. No way. Benji can tell I’m emotionally fragile (or he heard it all from Cappa) and he asked me to join him with his other friends, including Cappa.

I didn’t get to message him yesterday because I lay down for a quick nap after a long week of school… and I woke up 3 hours ago at 2:30 in the morning instead. >___> Right now I’m typing this up while I wait for my hair to dry from my early morning shower. It’s about dry now so I should head to sleep or else I’m gonna pass out in a dead heap later. I have another party on campus tonight~

(Part of the reason why I won’t let Benji come here is that Cappa wanted to bring him to the dance. Um, not an environment I want to expose to Benji so soon. -///-)

I’ll be sure to update on what happens with Benji (and the party), although if you don’t hear from me after a week just assume it didn’t work out. D:

Ahhhhhhh, I’M SO SCARED.

Until next time,

~ Mimi o///o

6 thoughts on “When a Boy Calls You Beautiful

  1. GIRL!!! THIS IS YOUR CHANCE!!!! (: GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

    Why can’t you understand the fact that yeah, probably someone really does feel attracted to you?
    You say you don’t match with each other but you know, opposites attract! That guy may be interested in girls that are quiet.

    You know, about that quote, why do I believe that you see it from a different perpective? You are that “low-spirited” girl that is quiet and is not really the one being the center of attention but in the end she hides an entire magical world in her that can be seen only be few special people. Seriously now, you are not the first person this quote describes! Believe me, I met many people who are exactly like that and you are not!!!! Trust me sweetie, ok?

    You are very attractive, I saw you pictures on facebook. Stop denying it. You are very smart and I like the way you write! I enjoy reading you every time. I saw all these good traits in you, why can’t others see them too?

    Even though Benji is outgoing and sociable he may be the one who would help you get over you social anxiety and be a bit more open

    Yes, he might have fallen for you appearance but he might have also fallen for yout aura, your overall attitude. I told you, you can be his type!

    Be happy about it! You have a college romance…Sweet (^ v ^) Enjoy ~

    Ah….you are so lucky….he seems to be such a nice guy….

  2. So I got back from the city three hours ago. It’s 4 in the morning right now and Benji had messaged me on Facebook the moment I logged in and we talked for an hour so I’m guessing I didn’t completely screw things up today? Details about it will come eventually. :D

    Anyway, it’s impossible describing why I feel the way I do about myself because it’s how I’m programmed. D: I can’t help it, I really cant! I have friends who keep telling me I’m a great person but I have the toughest time believing them because I don’t see it at all. I’m sure that by now my friend/matchmaker Cappa is tired of me doubting that Benji truly likes me.

    Oh, thank you for saying so! Somewhere deep down I understand that people aren’t lying to me when they say such things. It’s just hard to convince me that. :P I don’t think I’m ugly but I have problems with my appearance and I certainly don’t think I’m smart. I just like writing~

    Benji is just… so great. He’s such a laid back and easygoing guy and I can’t help but relax around him. I’d love it if we can eventually get somewhere with this relationship, but I’m not helping by being so shy around him! >__> And plus, he won’t push any harder because he knows I’m fragile and he’s worried he’ll scare me away. We’re just taking it slow and letting things develop on their own. I’ve waited so long for someone like him and I can’t believe it’s really happening! Your time will definitely come, trust me. ^-^

    He wants to talk to me tomorrow~~

  3. Thumbs up b(@ v @)d

  4. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~ I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU MANNNNNNNN. QwQ
    You deserve this.
    Don’t think otherwise.

    Benji seems like a totally understanding and amazing person. (AND I DID NOT JUST TOTALLY FB STALK YOU TO FIND OUT WHO THIS IS, HAHA;;)
    If you deny all of the obvious attractive features you have and wonder why Benji likes you so much, there doesn’t necessarily have to be a reason~ It just is.

    “Falling deeply for someone is not about the “why” and “if”‘s,
    you never need a reason to justify it all
    Blaming it on time and age
    if you give up and it all ends here,
    nothing’s going to happen unless you built the strength to run!”
    -Happy Synthesizer

    Take your time though, don’t rush it. Enjoy your time fretting about it. It’s better than things going way too fast, lol. Knowing you, this shouldn’t be any problem at all. xD

    College is the start of serious relationships! Good luck and just do whatever feels right. <3 I'm excited to see what happens next!

  5. I actually imagined you reacting to this with IT’S ABOUT EFFING TIME ADSEFDGFJEO.
    But thank you. :D I’m trying to believe that I deserve him. But HE’S TOO GOOD FOR ME. ;__;

    …Dammit, I shouldn’t have made his alias so obvious. xP But we’re still shy around each other (or rather, I’M shy and he’s being careful to not freak me out) so we won’t post anything to each other’s walls. Everything is over FB chat, including the 2-hour convo we just had. He’s just a typical guy. My friend Christa warned me to not fall for him too hard right now because I don’t know a whole lot about him yet, but oh, he’s so wonderful~~

    LOL I thought you were being awesomely poetic until I realized it was a song.

    Anyway, don’t get your hopes up just yet. I’m being pretty difficult for him to pursue and I’m just not sure how patient he can be (although we are trying to meet up in two weeks :D). If my counselor is right about me, then he definitely does not want to get entangled in all of this. ):

  6. umm ty

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