Inadequate

Tegomass will be on Shounen Club Premium soon! They’ll be doing an interview and performance. I think. I picked this up from a Japanese blog and I’m just guessing from what I can read. Hopefully my Japanese class will change that…? Yup, I’m taking Japanese, DAMN YOU NEWS. This is why I prefer keeping fandom and real life separate. >___<

. . .

Well, it only took me a decade of STUPIDLY OBVIOUS symptoms to find out that I’ve been suffering from social phobia, or social anxiety disorder.

The bottom half of this page explains the disorder better than I can, but in short, it’s an irrational fear of embarrassing myself, bothering others, and being hated, criticized, or rejected. The worst part is that I’m aware it’s irrational and weird. I still can’t help it.

I had NO IDEA that such a disorder actually existed and thank the Lord I’m not alone! — until I came across the term while Googling my phone issue. Turns out that my phone phobia can be part of social anxiety disorder. And then I read through symptoms and causes and took some diagnostic tests and realized – holy crap, someone has been spying on be because my biography is all over the internet. It all makes sense now.

The reason why I don’t particularly mind embarrassing myself here is because I’m anonymous. But once people know me personally, I always pull back a bit, rethink things before I type them.

“What if they think I’m a freak?”

“What if they hate me after this?”

“What if they think I’m boring?”

I’m constantly thinking about what others think of me. Constantly. I’ve always wondered why criticism is one of my biggest fears, and now it all makes sense. Following the crowd is not something I like to do… because that’s where you find the crowd. It’s easier for me to be different, even if it means I’ll be by myself. I would rather be alone than face the possibility of rejection.

Parents, THERE IS SUCH A THING AS BEING TOO PROTECTIVE.

It’s not that I don’t want to be social. Of course I want to, so so badly. But I can’t. I literally cannot. I don’t make friends too easily because my brain would tell me that I will only bother them, that they’ll find me uninteresting, that I’ll be doing them a favor by NOT befriending them. If I become friends with someone and then later she’ll join a group of her other friends, I’ll just leave. I won’t join in. My brain won’t let me because I figure that I’ll only be a nuisance, an intrusion.

I’m perfectly fine when talking to people I’m very close to, or who I KNOW like me, or my family, or just 1-2 strangers. You can’t even tell that I think of myself as trash most of the time. That’s the thing: it’s not shyness. I’m not shy. But during certain situations…

My roommate formed a close bond with these three other girls very quickly. They know me and seem to like me and hung out in my room before, but I’m always uneasy around them because they’re so close. Plus, my roommate (let’s call her Jonnie) has slept over at their dorm rooms. Three times. Leaving me in my room alone with the omniscient presence of my disorder.

After Jonnie announced that she would be staying over there, she did ask me if I wanted to come along. It didn’t matter what she said afterward. All I heard was that she would be gone for the night.

She hates me.

She can’t stand my guts.

She hates me so much that she has to physically distance herself from me.

What’s so wrong with me that makes her want to leave?

I’m not enough.

I’m boring.

I’m a freak.

They’ll be better off without me, anyway.

Sure, everyone experiences a bit of social anxiety once in a while. That nervousness you get during public speaking, interviews, meeting new people — normal jitters is all. It only becomes abnormal when it happens all the time and it’s having a significant impact on your life.

Those thoughts right up there? They never leave.

I had to drop two courses this week because in each of them, I felt inadequate. I felt like my level of writing was way below everyone else’s (and it was). I felt as though I was wearing a “THE DUMB ONE” t-shirt the entire time, and it got so bad that I chose to give up on the classes instead of pushing through. Now I’m having a tough time finding a fourth class because, well, I need the credits to eventually GRADUATE.

Right now I’m typing this while waiting for a professor to return to his office so I can talk to him. If it’s okay with him since I missed Tuesday’s class, I will attend his 2:50-4:00 pm class today, and then later, at 10:00 pm…

MY FIRST COLLEGE PARTY!

Eeep, I know, not a place for someone with social anxiety. But I’ll be fine as long as people ignore me. Except in the pub, my college usually does not allow alcohol in the buildings, but this is the school’s largest party and we can’t fit it in any of the buildings so we’ll be in the parking garage thing. Which isn’t really a building. :D

Actually, alcohol still isn’t allowed, lol. So what some of the more hardcore partiers do is “pregaming,” which means to drink before the dance so that you’ll show up totally smashed.

I don’t drink at all, though, so I’ll be the sober one filming the drunken ridiculousness with my camera. ;D

Sorry, journal, you won’t find any crazy party tales from this girl. I’ll write about college life/the party in my next entry!

Until next time,

~ Mimi d(^–^)b

2 thoughts on “Inadequate

  1. My cousin suffers from this disorder! She is a really good friend to me, but we can’t go shopping(she orders online), we can’t go to the movies(she rents movies from her TV) etc

    Because I am her only friend, it was a bit difficult to adapt to her phobia (it started so suddenly when we were 13). I believe people who suffer from this disorder are very insecure. They need to be close to people who can understand them. For instance, I always have to reassure my cousin when we go out that she looks nice/nobody is staring us/i am having fun/she is not bothersome etc etc
    I think the way I treated her help her to slowly overcome some of her fears

    You need to find people who you are comfortable with and people who you think you can trust. You should go to a psychologist first to check it and if you really have this disorder then I suggest that you share it with a close friend. It is much better than carrying all the burden on your own.

  2. So I really am not alone with this awful thing! :O Although my case is mild compared to what it can be, like your cousin’s…
    I can go out in public places just fine and I can talk to 1-3 people at a time and you’ll never know there’s something wrong with me. But if you add more people, and if those people do anything that I might interpret negatively, my social anxiety takes over and I shut people out. For example, I mentioned many times that I don’t keep this journal for the comments or whatever. This journal is for me, and it always has been. People just started randomly coming here and I’m not going to stop them. HOWEVER. If people who regularly comment suddenly disappear, my social anxiety kicks in and starts telling me that I bored them to death/scared them away/weirded them out with my last entry. I hate that I think like this but it just happens! >___<

    I wish I had a friend like you! The things that you have to tell your cousin are things I'm always wondering about. Of course, my friends only just found out about my problem so they haven't had time to help me. Or understand it, for that matter. I'm getting help, though! One of the upperclasswomen here is going to set up an appointment with a counselor for me (since I can't do it myself). I honestly don't care who knows that I'm weird. I just want it to go away. ;__;

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