INCOHERENT

Okay.

Okay.

I’m kind of incoherent right now. No, I’m VERY incoherent right now. Hence the title.

Here. Just take a look at the thing that rendered me speechless.

This arrived in my mailbox today from Superkeshigomu, quite possibly the loveliest person in the history of ever. <33 “This” is a shiny, official Massu shop photo and a postcard with Tegoshi’s face on it. Massu is strategically placed to cover the embarrassing message she made Tegoshi say. ^///^

Thank God it was The Old Man and not Mama who had collected the mail. He handed two envelopes to me somewhat questioningly, saying that one of them is a usual college letter (Hartwick this time), and the other, he doesn’t know. I immediately knew what it was but I played it cool, resisting the urge to tear it out of his hands. Instead, I took the letters, casually threw them on the table, and told him I’d get to them later because I was busy right now. Typical of him, he just forgot all about it.

The moment he left the room, I ran back and ripped open the handwritten envelope as fast as I could. No scissors were around, so yep, I literally ripped it open. Completely murdered the nice envelope, sorry. :3

And when I laid my eyes upon the beautiful contents, my face strongly resembled this:

No, really. I looked just like that. The Pest even came over to see what was going on.

It’s so weird that two little pieces of paper and some written words and cuteee little drawings (the itty bitty heads of Tego and Massu!) would make me so happy. With the two of Tegomass right before my eyes, oh, they’re both just so pretty. Plus, I’d gotten glitter all over the table from a Bioethics project, and some of that stuck to Tegomass and now they’re literally sparkly. ^o^

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH. <3 I love them and your message, and yes, they definitely made my day. :D

BUT I feel terrible now because I haven’t a clue how I can possibly match what I’d been given. ;___; I don’t even know how to mail a letter.

One last fangirly thing before I break for RL.

THIS is supposed to be Kirishima, the hot-headed, somewhat badass detective in Deka Wanko. Does that look even remotely badass to you? Oh, he’s such a cutie. ^–^ I’m gonna have trouble taking him seriously when the drama starts.

I think I have serious issues about Tegoshi’s hair. Because I downright HATE it when I see people talking about loving his new dark, straight hair. It’s comments like, “KYAAAAAAAAA OMGOMGOMG STRAIGHT AND BLACK HAIR TEGOSHI <333” (<—– THIS IS AN ACTUAL COMMENT) that especially tick me off. The whole time, my mind is being bitchy and going, “Oh god, shut up.”

I really don’t know why I feel this way because even though I am one of the few Tegoperm supporters, I think this style’s adorable. Perhaps TOO adorable for Kirishima.

Ehh, it’s likely just my subconscience advocating my individualist philosophies. XD

. . .

I just realized that I am going to die if I don’t finish Let Me Hear Your Voice.

I’d been joking when I responded to the murderous look in Adele’s eyes back in April — April! D: — by telling her that I wasn’t gonna finish it before the end of junior year.

Well… June came.

And June went.

Now it’s December and I’m only halfway done. -___-;;

With huge papers due every week, a lack of sleep, never ending studying for tests, keeping up with NEWS activity (not a priority but I CAN’T HELP MYSELF), and college stuff that I have yet to start, I just don’t have time to do what I love doing: write.

The first two parts of LMHYV have already been converted back into the Cardcaptor Sakura fic that I intended for it to be. Both posted on my fanfiction.net account, untouched since July, unfinished.

I know I’m not a bad writer, journal. Not gonna fake modesty there. But I’m not nearly as good as I desperately want to be. Still, people seemed to like it so I feel like an awful person for just leaving them dangling like that. Forget-Me-Not too — I posted the first badly written chapter during the summer after eighth grade, and four years later, I’m not even close to finishing. Forced to put it on a hiatus because I can’t stand to look at it.

I’m just never happy with my writing, am I? DDD:

Do you remember, journal, when I said in some random past entry that I handed the original fiction vers. of LMHYV — obviously unfinished at the time — to Daisy to be graded as my Confucianism project? I had to close the story somehow, so I wrote a hasty, baaaad ending in like five seconds before giving it to him. And since I still have this ending in my possession with nowhere for it to go (I sure as hell am not ending the story like that), why not write it here? :D

I altered it a bit and made it kind of relevant to this entire entry: a Tegomass fic that makes no sense because you don’t know what happened beforehand. Lol, this poor fic has gone through so much. XD

Basically, all because of a few minor alterations, it now seems to be an OOC, semi-AU in which Massu and Tego are still in JE but in different groups. They’re not friends. Massu doesn’t really like Tego but Tego likes everybody. Massu sees Tego get into a terrible car accident and he can’t save him in time, even though Massu saw the car coming. Massu visits Tego in the hospital out of guilt. Some things happen regarding feelings and denial, and then we end up here, with Tegoshi horribly OOC because his character was originally a bubbly high school chick named Sydney. Massu’s weird too, I guess. He’s not usually this cold. Also, his feelings are unrequited. :Dv

I… cannot do romance. To save my life. This was one of my ways of evading all that complicated mushy stuff of happy endings and skipping across the meadows while holding hands — the stuff that Adele (and apparently some of my ff.net readers) has been imploring me this whole time to write.

That’s when the realization socks Masuda in the stomach: The guilt isn’t there. It existed once, but not now, not anymore. He’s here to see Tegoshi and only Tegoshi; there’s no guilt driving his every compulsive action. But something else is. It is much more powerful, swelling within him and radiating warmer than the coziest of campfires, and it’s something he doesn’t want to think about.

When that thought hits him, the words he was about to say flees from his lips. Tegoshi cocks his head. Waits with an endless patience.

Then Masuda finds his eyes being pulled magnetically to the table beside Tegoshi’s bed, still bare after all this time. Nothing more than a resting place for his cell phone. A scene from the streets flashes back at him then, near Tegoshi’s apartment: a wide circle of Tegoshi’s friends, their exuberant laughter, goofing off and having fun and not once sparing a thought of concern for their mangled friend, the half-hearted inquiries of Tegoshi who? that he’s almost positive are floating around. Masuda pushes down the urge to tell Tegoshi about it, ask him why they haven’t visited, what kind of friends are they?

His mouth betrays him.

“Aren’t you lonely?” comes out, in place of all the pleasant things he had been planning in his head.

Tegoshi blinks. Surprise evident in his face. “No. I’m not lonely.” He smiles up at him. “You’re here, aren’t you?”

Try as he might, Masuda can’t ignore the butterflies that flutter beneath his ribs.

Masuda comes to the hospital automatically after that. Even if it’s for a minute — checking up on Tegoshi’s condition, watching him while he naps, willingly feeding him — he makes sure he goes to see Tegoshi.

Every day for two months he does this. Every day.

Every day Tegoshi grows stronger.

When Masuda visits the next day, there’s news for him. A fact that he’s been forcefully ignoring this entire time.

“The doctor says I’ll be released soon,” Tegoshi chirps. They’re watching the clouds, very much like they did that second day Masuda visited him. It’s become almost a ritual for them.

Masuda nods, puts on a face like he’s happy for him. Inside, he dreads it when it happens, the day Tegoshi is discharged from the hospital. He hopes and wishes — prays — that they can stay like this, just a bit longer. It can never be like this again.

But that day does come eventually, tomorrow, in fact. Masuda knows it because he’s at work when it happens. He stares momentarily at the congregation of Johnnys and Juniors plugging the hallway, and probably would have dismissed it as another mindless gathering… if it weren’t for the large wheel of a wheelchair peeking out from behind the mob of legs. Tegoshi’s back.

He’s back to where he belongs. They all reabsorb him into their crowd, even though not a single one of them dropped by when he needed them most, not even the members from his own group. Masuda turns his head from them. It doesn’t matter what happens with their friendship after this. He’d done his job back at the hospital, had kept Tegoshi content and away from the thought that his friends didn’t care enough to visit. From now on, whatever happens, he’ll take it. As long as Tegoshi’s happy.

Masuda walks away, and when he doesn’t look back the pain stabs worse than a thousand daggers. But it doesn’t matter.

He’s late for work anyway.

So rushed, so abrupt, so VOMIT-INDUCING. T____T But I don’t care that much; that’s not the real ending and therefore it doesn’t need to be perfect. Well, as perfect as I can make it. :P I can only go so far with my limited writing abilities.

The real ending is not gonna be happy either. I’ve been writing nothing but uplifting and happy things, and I want a break from all that. Every person I had talked to would prefer that LMHYV end with a happily-ever-after ending, but since when have I followed the crowd? :Dv

I always greatly admire writers who can make me cry, or tear up, at the very least; double points to the author if I cried at a part that isn’t sad. The writing doesn’t have to blow my socks off or anything. I just read Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas by James Patterson because my school librarian recommended it when I asked for a tearjerker. The writing style is extremely (sometimes too) simple, and the characters are really unbelievable most of the time, but I was so touched by the plot that I allowed myself to brush those bits aside. Weird, I mostly only cried at the happy events instead of the sad parts. :/ I just sat there on my bed like a lump and felt silly, wondering why I was crying during a wedding or when a baby was born.

I’ve been crying more than ever these past few months, for good reasons and for no reason at all. I blame my brittle emotions during this period of extreme stress. XP Not that I particularly mind crying. It gives me a sort of cleansing feeling, as though I’m releasing the harmful toxins from my body through my, erm, eyeballs :P — after I stop sniffling and my eyes have gotten less puffy and I look way less nightmarish, of course. XD

Won’t be home from school until late tomorrow. Quick schedule:

  1. 7:10 am — choir before school starts
  2. 7:45 am — school
  3. 2:30 pm — National Honor Society
  4. 3:00 pm — college essay-writing with Adele in the guidance room
  5. some time after that — homework
  6. 6:30 pm — Christmas concert rehearsal with choir members and alumni

By the way, I have decided to quit the Anime Club once and for all. There’s no point in me going anymore, not even for the one Johnny’s fan in my entire school. I’ve actually begun making excuses why I can’t stay, like purposely volunteering to do NHS tutoring on the same days the club meets. Yeah, all that instead of telling them face-to-face that I don’t like it, I am a coward. I am a beaten down senior just tired of life and I don’t think I can handle any more of the sugar-high freshmen bouncing off the ceiling. >__<

I don’t even watch anime. DX

Until next time,

~ Mimi .___.

3 thoughts on “INCOHERENT

  1. YAY~ You got it!!!!!! >w__<;; It's a bit bigger… So what day might you be able to check the mail before your parents? There's this USP site thing that said it takes about 5 days to ship.

    Ah, you saw his new hair… I still favor his Tegomass no Ai hair __< but it was written well! I personally adore sad fics <3 Or songs~

    I totally understand your decision to quit… -___-;; I'm considering quiting my school's Otaku Club, but the club is still new and is pretty much made up of my friends who would probably be upset if I quit…

  2. Aurrrg D:_____< And why is it italicized?
    In the first paragraph-ish part, I meant to say I got you your present and if I can actually figure out how to send it, I'll try do it so it arrives on a day where you can check the mail first so your parents don't get all suspicious… Also, I would still LOVE the bracelet you mentioned!! Handmade gifts are much better then purchased -__-;;

    I also wrote more in the second part, but whatever D:

  3. My parents almost always get the mail before me. >_< But that's okay; they won't open something of mine without my permission. If I just play it cool and not noticeably try to hide it, it'll be fine. ^^

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