I just smashed my fist on the keyboard because that’s what I feel like doing to my head. I can’t deal with that woman anymore.
“Stay home. You don’t need a dorm,” she says, in that stuck-up tone of hers.
SCREW THAT, I’m moving out as soon as I can.
I don’t care that I’m planning on going to a college only several miles away, or that it will cost a lot more to dorm, or that with my luck I’ll end up with some psycho-maniac for a roommate, or that I can’t cook to save my life and will probably have to eat ramen for the next few years. If that witch thinks I am going to live with her when she is THE VERY REASON NANA EXISTS, she’s dumber than I thought.
Then again, I never thought she was very smart. She clearly thinks everything she says is right, and when I try to prove her wrong with logic and facts, she calls me bratty and disrespectful.
I get two hours of sleep every night because I want to please her. Despite doing everything I can to make her happy, she isn’t. I have probably never once lived like a proper teenage American girl — all because of her. She proudly told her sister over the phone that I have no friends, just like her. That’s right. She’s proud. That I have no friends.
LISTEN, YOU WITCH. I have friends. I like being able to hang out with my friends. But she never lets me go out with them. Nor does she allow them over. I have had three friends come over my house in my past sixteen years of living. Lila lived across the street and needed a lift to school (and this was in the morning, when the witch had work). Melinda dropped by unexpectedly with her mother so the witch couldn’t refuse, but I could see that she didn’t want her here. Krystal had to come by for a day to work on our science fair project. That was years ago, back in middle school.
Back then, I had Markus. He was the single best person I had ever met. I trusted him more than I trusted anyone else. He made me feel safe. But… he’s a boy. And my mother hates men. Especially when they have messy skater hair like Markus. She didn’t like him, and she discouraged me from talking to him. He often invited me to hang out with him after school, but my mother would rather saw off her arm than let me loose with someone in possession of testosterone. Luckily, she couldn’t control me when I was in school, so I spent as much time with him as I could before we parted ways for high school.
Now, she still refuses to let me live my life freely. I hate this confinement. Does she honestly expect me to fully love her when she never stops criticizing my brother and me? She is probably the reason why The Pest is so fiery-tempered and violently unstable. He gets it from her.
She had the nerve to yell at me today, saying how it’s impossible to raise me properly anymore. I don’t think I have ever felt so angry toward her when she said that. Does she know what kind of life I have been living, all for her? I know I don’t have it nearly as bad as others do, but for once I’d like to see what it’s like to live as a normal teen. I’ve been living so differently that I don’t even think like most people my age. It draws this sort of boundary between regular people and me.
Even though I’m surrounded by so many people, I doubt I could ever feel more alone.
Until next time,
~ Nana =(