Introduction: Mimi Style

And by “Mimi style,” I mean “long and rambly.” :Db

(Warnings: objectionable language; American/New England slang [use this if confused]; tons of swooning over Japanese guys; atrocious photography; mediocre writing; rambly, unstructured bits about my life; and rare insightful words that no one online wants to hear about.)

Hi there. :D If you’re here, it most likely means that you were led here by the Google search option, because this is an ANONYMOUS PERSONAL JOURNAL and none of my friends should ever find this page. If, by any chance, I know you and you’re reading this, oh crap I’m in trouble.

As long as I don’t know you in real life, I don’t care who reads my entries. I’ll write about anything and everything, no holding back. I got nothing to hide. Leave a comment if you want to speak up, whether to agree, disagree, tell me off, or just say hi — and I’ll definitely respond. I don’t bite unless you deserve it. :D Otherwise, just enjoy your stay.

The name’s Mimi – not my real name, but a legitimate nickname that my parents have been calling me since I was tiny. Most of my friends don’t know about this nickname, so I should be safe. :) If I sign off with “Nana,” that’s me too. Nana is what my friends used to call me because I would look after them like a nanny would. Signing off as Nana indicates I’m in a foul mood.

My real name’s in my fanfiction.net profile. :D Can’t risk drawing attention to this journal.

If for some reason you care, the detailed About Me page is here. But to sum things up, I’ll write some /quick/ points.

• 19 years old and definitely not normal. For one thing, I think my face is tolerable most of the time but I will never post a full picture here because I’m paranoid and self-conscious. I’ve been called “cute” time and time again, but “pretty” is only an occasional thing. Here I am~ :Dv
  
• Never been to public school (so I have no idea how they run). 10 years at various Catholic primary schools. 4 years at a teeny all girls Catholic high school. About to start my first year at a women’s college. The Catholic part of my education is important because it explains why I’m always mentioning prayers and God, even though I’m not Catholic and I often think blasphemous thoughts. High school was also, um, not like any regular school (more about that here), which hugely explains why I’m a weirdo.

• I’m really, truly stupid. I’m in advanced classes only because I work hard and hate losing; it says nothing about my actual intelligence. Pleeeease don’t call me smart because I REALLY AM DUMB.

• Writing is my passion, my hobby, my obsession. I’m not amazing at it, but I’m still learning. I tend to look down on people whose first language is English and yet can’t type coherently. No fancy words needed, just… can you at least punctuate your sentences? >__<

• Looove Japanese things. Yes, I’m one of THOSE people. :Dv I talk about them a lot (so much that, at first glance, this journal must look like an entertainment blog, lol), especially the boys from the idol group NEWS because I’m completely infatuated with them. And it wasn’t until I saw that I devoted an entire entry to them and spent ages analyzing one of their music videos did I realize this. I fangirl almost as much as I talk about my life, so you might see some of my entries divided with three consecutive dots, meaning that one half is real life, the other is fangirling. Yes, I do like Japan very much, but I will never use fangirl Japanese, i.e. the random use of Japanese vocabulary; Tegoshi Yuya is my favorite member, not my ichiban.

• For me, gender is no boundary, and love is love. If you’re against that sort of thing I suggest you not read any further. It’s not something I really bother hiding here.

• Occasionally I say things that sound terribly rude and offensive, but I never mean any harm by it. It’s just how I talk. I tend to talk to everyone, even my parents, in this awful superior manner. I’m trying really hard to change it because I can come off as pretty stuck-up.

• I’m not a mean person at all, just a very honest one. Which means I’m not very likable because I say what I think, no matter how harsh it is. Just letting you know, YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

Kirakira

YESSSS I CANNOT PROPERLY EXPRESS MY JOY AT TEGOSHI DYEING HIS HAIR PLATINUM BLOND. YESSSSSSSSSSSSS. (We might get to see it in a week or two on ItteQ! *fingers crossed*)

In other news, I go back to college in two days. YESSSSSSSSSSS.

Part II: [our] Love Story [takes a leap forward]

It was November 12, 2011: roughly a month after my hospitalization and three weeks since I last saw my Boston boys.

It started out as a pretty normal Saturday. Junk food shopping in the morning with Elaina at the town’s supermarket. Essay writing in the afternoon.

Mini high school reunion in the evening. :DDD

Nothing extravagant, just dinner at a restaurant in Boston with eight friends whom I haven’t seen since graduation. The restaurant… was the most bizarre eating establishment I’ve ever been to. The servers are supposed to be the rudest, least hospitable bitchfaces you’ll ever meet. For example, if you ask for straws they’ll throw a handful in your direction. They’ll take your order by nodding at you, saying, “You. Whaddya want?” One chick took Merry’s hat off her head and wore it for the remainder of the evening. An interesting experience, to say the least.

The main feature of the restaurant is not the food, but the hats. They give every diner a paper hat resembling a giant condom with a personalized insult written on it. Sometimes it’s random, sometimes they truly pick on you. Like, Lynne’s random insult said “I braid my pit hair,” but another friend’s was truly insulting. This friend’s gender is kind of ambiguous, and so the server just wrote a question mark on her hat. She honestly didn’t understand what that was supposed to mean and I felt soooo bad that I knew exactly what it meant.

As for my hat, the server had simply written “EZ.” Uhm. I hope that was a random insult that had nothing to do with me personally.

Near the end of dinner, I received a text from Manny out of nowhere. (I got a new, non-sucky phone that can text and take pretty pictures, by the way. Except for the data plan, ’twas freeeeee <3) And I say out of nowhere because I hardly interacted with him since that day I embarrassingly ran away from the theater, and here he is with a text casually asking me what I’ve been up to when we haven’t talked in four days.

I mentioned that I happened to be in the area at that very moment, and so he tells me omg come visit!!

(His exact words, btw.)

I was actually going to ask him myself if I could visit. He just saved me the trouble.

Part I: [the beginning of our] Love Story

The shameless Tegoshi Yuuko would like to welcome you to my first post of the new year.

I really love this look on her. :Dv

Happy 2012, journal!

So as I watched NEWS cuts of the Johnny’s Countdown, I admit I was worried. This was their first live performance as NEWS-4; how would it go? Would they sound good together? What about their group dynamics?

I had no need to worry. It was imperfect perfection in my fangirl eyes. ♥ It WAS live and so they’re bound to sound differently in the studio when that time comes (soon? please?), but it wasn’t bad at all! Although Tegoshi’s vocals still overpowered the other three’s because his control is… :P

I am not the biggest fan of “Kibou ~Yell~” and so I do wish they’d stop singing it at practically every event -__-, but I’m just happy that they sang anything at all. And I know that song means a lot to NEWS fans. They apparently also did a performance of “weeeek” that didn’t air because of stupid commercials, grrr. They sounded great singing that V6 (?) song too. NEWS always does well during the group change medley, don’t they?

And they looked fantastic, together and individually! White works really well on these guys, and the LIVEx3 concert outfits made me feel all nostalgic. I like that they have different hair colors, teehee.

Shige holds his microphone in a way that makes me giggle. As Massu often says in interviews, his hands do look quite soft!

Is this another of Massu’s famous fails? Definitely in comparison with Tegoshi’s much more precise movements, It seemed like he had either forgotten some of the dance moves or he didn’t realize it was time to dance.

But in the dance routine with KAT-TUN and Koyama…

He totally made up for it. <3 My apologies, dear Koyama, but my eyes were glued to the fabulous dancer of NEWS.

Here’s to hoping this new year will turn out to be a NEWS year! Fingers crossed for lots of future fangirly posts!

. . .

I found other songs that better suit my kind of romance but this song goes with the post title so let’s stick with it. :)

Even though it’s the name of a song, I hesitated in using that L word in the title, just like how I hesitate whenever saying it out loud in more than a “omg I love this cake!!!” way.

I only recently realized that I fear it, love. Loving someone, falling in love, being loved. It’s not so much a fear of being hurt, but rather of being the one unconsciously inflicting pain. I have the hardest time telling people those three powerful words, even to my family, so that means when I do say it — I mean it, truly and deeply.

I’m not saying I’m in love with Manny, noooo. That would be terribleeeeee. I’m treating this Manny affair as a short-term relationship because it’s so forbidden. I’m still a skeptic of the whole teenage love thing too, and like I said, I’m terrified of love in all forms. That is why I refuse to listen to my friends when I describe my feelings to them and they just nod their heads, saying “Girl, you got it baaaad” or “Sounds like love to me.” He is many of my firsts and logically I should feel very strongly towards him, more strongly than I’d felt towards any guy in the past — but it’s only a deep infatuation at this point. I wouldn’t exactly know what love is, anyway.

On to our history! Let’s make this as pointlessly detailed as possible, hmm? :DDD

Manny and I didn’t like each other as more than friends at first. Actually, I was in the beginning stages of depression at the time and was extra insecure and thought he hated my guts. You see, before he switched to his current job at Abercrombie, he was working at Hollister back then. He was walking a bit ahead of us that day, and Cappa, who loves to mess with him and feed him lies, told him that I too worked as a Hollister model.

I was already wary of him the moment I heard he worked at Hollister. Stores like Hollister and Abercrombie have a reputation for hiring only attractive people (or at least people who have a specific look), which automatically set Manny very high on the intimidation scale. But after Cappa joked about such a thing, I, not a model in any shape or form (even an in-store model which is really just a fancy name for a sales associate), shrunk into myself and died right there of mortification. He half-turned around while still walking, slowly looked me up and down, and sorta made this “uh-uh, no way is this ugly/unfashionable chick a model” face.

Me: God, will you kindly kill me now, please?

smile, my dear

I am no longer allowed to flail over Tegoshi’s beauty.

DON’T GET ME WRONG, I still love him and the rest of NEWS. I just can’t spazz over how beautiful he or Yuuko or anyone else is.

But I will continue to flail and fangirl, don’t you worry, journal! NEWS still has my support. I’m just… well, I shall explain in the Real Life section. ^–^

I’m not sure if it’s because there isn’t as much information floating around or if I’ve just been MIA internet-wise, but has there been a curious lack of reports on Tegomass’s 3rd live? And by reports, I mean information in any form, whether photographic, auditory, or written. Especially photographic. I’m not entirely sure what all of their outfits look like, except for Tegoshi’s all-white ensemble and Massu’s sparkles and the bear-eared short-sleeved hoodies.

I think it’s because I haven’t been as stalker-ish as I was before. A few months ago I would stalk both Japanese and foreign fans for any NEWS-/Tegomass-related info I could get my hands on. I have found a few reports and saw some news footage or two, but not much beyond that.

I DO know that Shige and Nakamaru visited one con and Koyama recently came alone to another! And that Cheerleader Yuuko made her debut and supposedly looked stunning! But no photos of her, boo. ;__;

I think I’ve been keeping up with most of the major NEWS news. Uhm…

• Koyama’s drama Lucky Seven

• Shige’s novel Pink and Grey

• Shige’s official name change

• Tegomass’s radio show

• Tegoshi and his various Itte Q adventures

• Tegoshi in the Hotaru no Hikari movie and Deka Wanko SP

• Massu and… er…

Does Massu have anything?

If not, then that’s sad for Massu. ): But as for me, I’m more than satisfied with all the lovely group cross-talks and photoshoots we’ve had lately. Their group dynamic has improved, don’t you think? We’ll be seeing them really soon during the Johnny’s Countdown, which will be their first appearance before an audience as NEWS in a long time.

In eager anticipation of this new NEWS, I *finally* got around to changing the header of this journal! And yes, I intentionally placed camwhore Tego-bear closest to the camera and poor Shige-bear way in the back. ^vv^

. . .

How in the world did I land myself a hot guy?

Erm. Let’s try this again in a less superficial way.

Mannyyyyyyyyyyy. Such a lovely human being of internal substance. ♥

I used to be a bitter bitch when it came to romance. Haha, okay, that’s a bit of an overstatement. It’s more accurate to say that I would side-eye people who were all stupid-happy-bubbly-sighing because of their significant other. I just didn’t understand the emotional aspect of it because I never experienced anything stronger than an unrequited crush and thus dubbed it silly. Yeah, even though I write mainly for the romance genre.

That was before I… got me a boyfriend.

AHHHH I KNOW I CAN’T BELIEVE IT EITHER.

The process of the two of us finding each other wasn’t that long, but it was pretty complicated, somewhat movie-cliche, and required some trial-and-error. But I will tell the story anyway because I want to remember my first relationship ever, even if it eventually ends badly. #pessimist

(Forgive my use of hashtags; Manny said I’m not funny at all and so I took that as a challenge and became a Twitter comedian. So far — damn him, he’s right.)

(Also, my new friend Tangy finds it to be a cute and chick-flicky story, as demonstrated through her reactions that she typed out on Facebook instead of expressing them out loud while I was verbally telling the tale in front of her:

Awww yeah, look at those fantastic censoring skillz.)

Actually, I think I’ll hold out on the story for the next entry. I spent two and a half hours telling the long tale to friends so it deserves to have its own post, possibly in short story form if I’m feeling not too lazy. I’ll write about Manny himself today. :D

For once, I know the guy’s feelings are genuine. It wasn’t love at first sight, meaning that he doesn’t like me only for my face. He told me that he started liking me a little over a month after we met — around the time of my hospitalization and after he got to know me. And he really knows me, since I had told him every one of my dark thoughts and he even calmed me down over the phone during a particularly bad period of my Sadness. I can honestly say he saved me from something terrible.

Even after knowing how messed up I can be, he still likes me. No — he said he likes me because of my flaws. Unbelievable, isn’t it? You know that KAT-TUN song, the one that translates to “I love the you that you hate”? That’s it, describes his feelings perfectly. I had even asked him why he likes me because there’s really not much appealing about me.

He said the generic things that most guys will say, that I’m smart and nice. But then he said something surprising: He likes that I’m insecure. He likes my vulnerability, my total lack of confidence in myself, that constant apparent need to be taken care of. I always unconsciously push him away and distance myself from him whenever he steps too close, and he likes that. He likes that I’m hard to get. I don’t chase him like the other girls do. I make him work.

What a masochistic weirdo.

But the moral of the story is there’s hope for everyone! If I can find someone who likes me for who I am, then every lonely person in the world can surely find their special someone too. :)

Now, what’s HE like?

you are the crazy to my sadness

I’ve been sleeping way too much lately. And way too early, for a college student. For example, there was a week when I would pass out at seven in the evening. Depression does that to you, I suppose.

Mhmm, it’s officially depression. Not just depression, but that plus social anxiety, extreme paranoia, and possibly attention deficit disorder (aka ADD or ADHD-PI).

I already knew about the social anxiety, but the others were news to me. ADD? Paranoia? And I had been denying that I had depression to anyone who asked. Think about it, doesn’t it sound so whiny, a first-year in college suffering from depression when there’s really nothing that wrong with her life? Cliche and typical and not very worthy of attention, in my opinion.

Then they pulled me out of school against my wishes.

Allow me to replay exactly how that happened two months ago.

October 14th. A Friday morning, 9 am. I had my scheduled weekly meeting with my counselor, though I had skipped the previous week’s appointment because of an overload of work. Thus, I had two weeks’ worth of news to tell her. So I packed my backpack with my Japanese texts before heading out, because I had class at 9:50 right after the meeting.

Originally I scheduled these meetings with the counselor because of my social anxiety. After the first meeting, it became clear to her that it’s much more than that, and she chose to focus more on my other problems, particularly on my Sadness.

With each meeting, my situation became worse and worse. I began experiencing these periods I call the Sadness. Occurring sporadically — once a week or two weeks — the Sadness is exactly what it sounds like: short, hour-long bursts of the most gut-wrenching sadness, loneliness, and worthlessness a person can possibly feel. It would happen for no reason at all, or it would be triggered by the smallest thing. In any case, the pain and crying would become nearly unbearable each time… to the point where I would be willing to do anything to stop it. The Sadness would ease away whenever I either found someone to talk to or fell asleep, but I would be terrified of what I was capable of doing to myself whenever it occurred because I would lose all control over my thoughts and actions.

I made sure to emphasize to the counselor that I was fine most of the time: not quite happy, but usually flat with spikes of good moods. I laugh and smile like any normal person would. The moments of Sadness are rare. It’s nothing to worry about.

I guess she really didn’t like what she was hearing by that October 14th meeting, because she chose right then and there to send me to the hospital.

Well. I HAD signed a contract before these meetings, stating that the school had a right to hospitalize me if they felt I wasn’t mentally stable enough to continue on with classes. But still. THESE THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME. TT-TT

a disturbance in the cosmos

I’ll be honest. I didn’t shed a single tear when I learned about NEWS. Still have yet to do so. But I no longer feel like ripping my soul out whenever my iPod slides into a NEWS-6 song, though I will likely skip it.

I was one of those fans stuck in that in-between place of almost expecting it to happen soon but not quite believing that it would actually happen.

I just felt numb for the rest of the day. And the subsequent days. Right before I found out, I had woken up to work on a paper due that day. But when I saw the news, I just couldn’t bring myself to write the stupid paper. Ended up turning it in way late because I lost all motivation to work on it.

But that was forever ago and I’m more accepting of it now. I hate how much of a realist I can be but I still have doubts about the future success of NEWS-4. But I’ll be with them every step of the way! They can finally all gather for photoshoots now. :DDD

And look! Tegomasu no Mahou!

It arrived in my mailbox right after I got back from the hospital. ^-^ I’m in a rush to get this entry done so I can do homework so I’ll just say this quickly: Yuki Daruma, Mahou no Melody, and Hanabi are my favorite tracks. <3 Mr. Freedom is probably my least favorite, just because I’m a total English snob and I don’t like the use of English phrases in Japanese songs. Me being picky. :)

Also.

HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY TO TEGOSHI YUYA!

Late as usual but this is nothing new from me lol. I gush about this fellow way too often so I shall refrain from doing that now. Just know that I still love him, haha.

And because she’s fandom-related :D –

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY TO SUPERKESHIGOMU!

I think you’re seventeen. Correct me if I’m wrong. I actually had been working on a gift for you for months but then college started and I lost my sanity and… yeah. Busy times. I will finish it once I return home to retrieve some more cotton and you will receive it for Christmas instead!

. . .

(Entry written pre-hospitalization so I’ll talk as if this happened then. Mental hospital tales will come after I write this 7-page essay. -___-)

If it wasn’t official the twenty times I said this before then it’s official now: I will someday end up allowing a rapist to lead me into an alley and later dispose of my body in a landfill.

It seems impossible for me to not know, but it wasn’t until lately did I see the extent of my utter cluelessness and inexperience.

HE WAS WELL ON HIS WAY TO GETTING ME INTO HIS BED AND I DIDN’T REALIZE IT OH GOD.

Oh hang on. He did get me into his bed. WITH HIM.

You are surely wondering two things by this point now: This is not Mimi who are you and what the hell is going on, and Is there someone in the world who’s THAT stupid?

You’re looking at her, darlin’.

You see, Saturday, October 1 was a day of many boys: Manny and Benji, meeting their old friends from high school, getting to know the boys of their college, Cappa’s on/off boyfriend, reuniting with Dathan (whom I haven’t seen since the 8th grade! :O) — oh, too much testosterone to handle in one short Saturday. @__@

…and then there was Micah.

I’ll go into this newcomer later in this entry because I want to get the ordinary things from that day out of the way first.

I had made my way into the bustling city once again for yet another college event. Hey, I love this school but if I stay here all the time I’ll go crazy. Crazier, I mean. The city is my time of release.

behind these iron bars

Honest to God, journal, I had a mostly completed, lengthy, rambly entry that I would have posted last Friday (the 14th?) after some editing. But this is the first time in my life I have literally been unable to post an entry because I was unexpectedly sent to a mental hospital that very Friday morning.

No, this isn’t me trying to be figurative or poetic or metaphoric; I was FORCED into the PSYCHIATRIC WARD of a nearby hospital for ONE WEEK.

They really didn’t do crap there to me, lol. But my school judged it unwise to let me continue on with classes the way I was, so it was necessary for them to physically pull me out for a week. Now they have me on medication and I’ll be attending regular therapy sessions and they’ll probably have people watching out for me here to make sure I don’t go into a relapse (if you can call it that) after being let back on campus. There was even talk of me possibly going on a medical leave, taking a year off and starting over next year. Oh God.

I wasn’t kidding when I said I was crazy.

But I’m okay now! I don’t have time to further explain because I just got back three hours ago, and I’m trying to figure out what I missed on campus and — especially — in fandom. Haha, priorities. :P I am a teenager and they dared to deprive a teenager of internet for a week. Ughhhhh there’s over 250 messages in my school email. D:

I have to pick up my medication at the town pharmacy so I’ll write more when I have time. :D Oh, the things I have to say about being imprisoned in the mental ward of a hospital!

Until next time,

~ Mimi :P

all we know is falling

This week has been my hell week, and what I just found out is truly the icing on the cake.

WHAT THE HELL NEWS WHYYYYYYYYY.

And we can’t even blame Johnny for this because Yamapi and Ryo made the decision to leave NEWS themselves. I hate that there will be gleeful fans who will be all in our faces with “I told you so,” and I feel bad for the other fans who put so much trust into NEWS that I can’t even imagine how hurt they must be right now. ;___;

I know that NEWS will likely be more active now that the two busiest members are out, but how will they fare now that the two most popular members are out?

I’m scared to see what’s gonna happen. :/

Why am I here I need to write this essay now gvejwgvdsbb.

EDIT: Boston boys invited me to a party tonight and I had sworn to never drink but damn, this would be a time to start. /inconsolable

Slow and Steady

Let’s talk Mahou no Melody, shall we? The song and the PV preview and SCP guesting. :DDD

Yeah. I admit that I had the song playing on loop for a good three hours. Not good, journal, not good. What if I become sick of it by the time my album comes? D: I just love the song and how Tegomass-y it sounds <3, though I wouldn’t say it’s a very strong song to use to promote the album to casual/non-fans. It think it might take others a little longer to get into it, or to like it at all.

The PV? All I can say is…

NEEDS MOAR EYELINER.

Haha, sorry, couldn’t help it. I do wonder why Tegoshi is wearing so much eye makeup, though. I was wearing pink eyeshadow and eyeliner last night (erm, more about that day in a future post -___-) and I’m not sure how it makes me feel to have Tegoshi do the same LOL. It’s a good thing I already like girls or else I would be quite confused over my feelings toward that guy; he really is too pretty in the PV!

His costume is interesting, that’s all I can say. :P Massu’s costume, on the other hand, looks awesome! More magician-like than Tegoshi’s, at least. The hat suits him. ^o^ Oh, and what Massu’s wearing the other half of the time:

He looks so good afaekgvjenalk. *___________*

When a Boy Calls You Beautiful

How would you react to that? Moreover…

How would I react to that?

Allow me to tell you exactly how.

I vehemently deny it. I won’t believe it. In fact, I signed up for this college believing it would be like joining the convent. And I was fine with that, since a romantic relationship would complicate my college life even more. It’s been so long since I’ve last hung out with someone from the male species, and it’s been even longer since a guy showed interest in me beyond friendship. Or sometimes not even to the point of friendship, because I’m notoriously bad at opening up to boys.

He called me beautiful, journal. No boy has ever done that before. Not pretty, which I get sometimes (from girls) but still doubt whenever I look in the mirror. Not cute, which I get often but people also call pigs cute.

Beautiful.

Can you see how someone like me will just laugh it off as an April fools joke in September? In fact, I argued with Cappa on the phone for a good 15 minutes over whether she was just cruelly pulling my leg when she first told me everything in a euphoric, breathless rush, even though I know she would never do that to me.

Then some normal school things happened that night and the next day, and somehow this following exchange happened over Facebook chat:

Me: if i’m (ever) free we should go explore the city!

Him: we definitely should! i have a pretty open schedule so yeah whenever you can !

Oh dear God did I just unconsciously asked him out on a date.

Hold on right there. I’m not making any sense. I’ll take this time to back up to how it all began, starting on Saturday, September 10, 2011.